Time To Make A Routine

So yesterday went really well with my appointments! At Mary’s we talked mostly about my bubbles. We decided to go back down to the bubble amount I was at before my last increase because it was really difficult to reach my goal this past week. Since I was successful with those bubbles we all felt fine with going back to the those amounts. We also worked on making a plan for goal times to eat. Lately I have been pushing everything back because my morning snack has been so late. Then I end up eating a really late lunch, then a late snack, a late dinner, and then I don’t eat my snack before bed until 11. Ultimately I want to start going to bed by 10:30 so I can get more sleep. I think sleep is just as important for me right now, and I have really been struggling to get enough. But we came up with a list of things to aim for for this upcoming week! Before going to my appointment with Lori we stopped at Whole Foods so I could grab something for snack and dinner. For snack I quickly had a pretzel and almond butter in the lobby. We had a very good session with Lori. It is amazing how easily we all open up. Our main focus in discussion seemed to be on where we all stood on the spectrum of needing parental guidance to being capable of independence. My dad talked more than I think I have ever heard him talk at one of these sessions. It is so informative and I always find out new things about myself or about my parents.

After Lori, I rushed over to work. It was the first game of the Governor’s Cup Championship. It was a small crowd and the store wasn’t busy at all. On break I ate my dinner that I grabbed from Whole Foods: turkey sandwich and yogurt. The Bulls ended up losing. They were so close to winning, too! Oh well. Well I got home I had a bowl of ice cream with a cookie. Sorry, no picture. Then I hit the sack!

This morning I woke up and had breakfast with my dad. Kind Of. He finished his Cheerios just as I was starting to eat. So I took my overnight oats with toppings (same as the day before) to the couch and watched some Netflix while my dad got ready to go to work. I watched two episodes of Scandal on Netflix before I headed out to the barn. The horses all looked so happy being out on the luscious grass of the upper pasture. Vinnie was just as happy as all get out when he saw his apple! He almost pooped on my phone today… how gross would that have been! Haha. When I got home from the barn my dad was home from work. He just went for a little bit so he could get stuff to work from home. He helped me look at my snack options. Morning snacks are always difficult to decide on. I ended up just going with a glass of orange juice and a Larabar. i did a little tidying up around the house today but I was lazy for the majority of it. Lunch was pasta, chicken, and spinach. I improvised and used a little bit of pizza sauce. It was good. Not the best, but it still had some nice flavor. The red pepper flakes and garlic powder helped it out some. I was able to talk to Madelyne for a few minutes today. I told her all about her job opportunities she would have down here since she is planning on moving when she graduates. It is always so nice to catch up with her! Then it was time for me to get ready for the last home game of the year. I looked at my bubbles and chose foods that I thought would cover a good bit of my bubbles. For snack I went with yogurt and trail mix. For dinner I packed a turkey sandwich with swiss, spinach and mustard on a super delicious torta from Costco. Side of carrots for a veggie bubble. Work went really well. We remained busy almost the entire night which was surprising because the crowd wasn’t all that big. We sold A LOT. The Bulls also pulled out a win, so now they are tied with Pawtucket 1-1. Tonight was the last game in Durham until the start of the season in the spring. I will finally be able to work out a routine to help me reach my goals of eating at appropriate times. My parents and I also have the goal to be better at planning dinners. That is one thing we discussed with Lori – if I know what the plan is for dinner I have an easier time making decisions on my own when it comes to lunch or snacks. Routines are always comforting as well. I like breaking routine every know and then, but sometimes is less stressful when you just have that thing that you just do without over thinking. When I got home from work tonight I made an ice cream oatmeal raisin cookie sandwich. It was the last two cookies from the Costco variety pack my mom got. I am glad those cookies are gone because now I can make my own dessert and I can have something other than ice cream or a cookie. Not that they aren’t good, I just have been having them every single night for a while now haha. I am about to turn in for the night! I have work tomorrow from 10-4. We are going to be packing up the store to transport everything to its temporary location while the stadium gets renovated during the off season. I am hoping I can sleep in a little so I can be well rested and prepared to tackle the task of moving everything!

Clean Sweep and Nut Balls Hehehe

Today flew by for me! I kept myself busy almost all day and I got so much done. Last night after I finished writing my daily post I whipped up my snack. I made an ice cream sandwich using one oatmeal raisin cookie and one white chocolate macadamia nut cookie. I also had two nut butter balls (how inappropriate can I make that sound?). I had one of each flavor I made, but I must sat they aren’t as tasty as my first batch with the pretzels and white chocolate. Still yummy though!I had a few crazy dreams last night. The one I remember most vividly involved Vinnie. I let someone ride him and for some unknown reason she just jumped right off of him as he was trotting around the ring. He continued to trot around the arena and he even started cantering. It was odd because it didn’t look like him at all, it did, but it didn’t haha. In my dream he just had the most beautiful, hooky neck and an incredible forward motion with great bend in the knees. I’m talking like National Champion looks. I wish my dream was reality haha! My mom woke me up for breakfast and I enjoyed a vanilla almond butter banana sandwich, apples and cinnamon oatmeal, and a glass of milk. The bananas turned a weird color in the middle from me zapping it in a microwave. My mom put the bananas in the freezer so I had to warm them up somehow! While we were eating a few deer ran across the yard. There was even a baby one!I went back to sleep after breakfast and then when I woke up I got ready to go out to the barn to see Vinnie. He was doing well again today 🙂 After I brushed him and wrapped his hoof I gave him his apple and treats. When I put him back out in the pasture he licked my hands for a while. He had to get all that flavor off my hands! Please Give me more!When I got home from the barn I had my snack. I tried the Chobani raspberry with chocolate chip yogurt and I had two more NUT BALLS and some blueberries.Then I did dishes and then created a breakfast plan for myself. I am trying it tomorrow morning so the results will be in manana! I started the never ending laundry. I was tackling my sheets and comforter. When I was putting my parents clothes away in their closet I might have gotten a teeny bit carried away and I organized their hanging clothes. For lunch I made myself spinach pesto pasta. Mmmm… I gobbled it right up.I really need to work on my timing for snacks and lunch. My snack always ends up being around 11:30 and then I don’t eat lunch until 2:30ish. No bueno. I really want to eat my lunch earlier and then have an earlier afternoon snack and an earlier dinner. I didn’t have my snack until like 5:45 today and then dinner was around 8:45. We have always had dinner late, but I want to start having it earlier so I can ultimately go to sleep earlier. I also feel bad because I end up eating my snack really late at night and either my mom or my dad always stays awake to make sure I have it, and they both have to wake up early for work so I want them to get enough sleep. After I finished my pasta I got to work on cleaning out my closet, the closet in the hallway and the closet in my sister’s old room. That project took me alllll afternoon/evening. Look at all the stuff I got together to give away/get rid of! I am going to drop off a big load at Goodwill tomorrow 🙂 For my snack I had crackers and trail mix.I followed that up by organizing the closets I cleaned out and I made my bed. It felt so good to get all that work done and to get stuff ready to give away! Tonight we watched Life of Pi and had steak, mixed veggies and potatoes for dinner. It has still been difficult to fill up all my bubbles. There’s just so many of them! I still do my best to get as many bubbles filled as I can though. I still have my night snack to get me a few more bubbles! Tomorrow is going to be another full day. I have a few more things I want to get done around the house, I have to go see Vinnie, I have an appointment with Mary, an appointment with Lori, and then work. Hope everyone had a fantastic Monday and is ready to have a marvelous Tuesday!

Tuesday Adventures! (And Monday Evening Fails)

Hello, hello, hello! So don’t be fooled by the title, yesterday evening’s failures were not bad things, they were funny really. After my afternoon of boredom, my mom finally made it home and we enjoyed a snack together. I tried my new Kashi vanilla oatmeal (I eat more than Kashi products, I promise!) and a new protein drink I got to try. The drink definitely took some getting used to. I am still acquiring a taste for coconut! Then I suggested we go out to the barn to see Vinnie. It has been about a week since we made it out there since it has been non stop raining. His mane was tangled beyond repair and he looked hot and sweaty so I decided to bathe him to get some of that sweat (and salt) off of him and to try and work out the knots goin’ on in his hairdo. My mom was a nervous wreck the whole time I was bathing him because he wasn’t standing still. She needs to have a little more faith in my Vinnie because he was a good ol’ boy! Then comes the fail… all my hard work ruined! I did have a great video of Vinnie rolling in the grass/dirt that I was going to share, but I just can’t seem to figure out how to attach it. Wahhh 😦 Sorry guys.

Next fail of the night: The recipe we put in the crock pot for arroz con queso. It was not so yummy tasting. I thought it would have turned out a little creamier because of the cheese. I think it was just dried out? Not a winner, so no recipe for that one… The chicken wasn’t too terrible though. My mom keeps saying “What happened, why can’t I cook anymore?!” I don’t know what’s going on with her cooking haha. All of us then did some of our nightly relaxing and we watched a show about some of the nicest RV’s that have been custom made. There are some MASIVE ones out there. Unbelievable. When I got my fill of RV’s I turned to Triple D to catch the new episode. While I watched that I had my snack. I tried the V8 Splash pound cake I made and I put a scoop of Ben and Jerry’s strawberry shortcake froyo on top of it. It was a delicious combination of fruity sweetness. I struggled a little bit with the idea of eating sweets, but I downed it all, so it was a success. Next time I have a piece of the pound cake I am going to try toasting it! Shout out to my Uncle Bill for the suggestion! 

This morning

I slept on the couch again last night because I had my sheets and comforter in the wash and I was too lazy to make my bed. I almost think I sleep better on the couch anyways. This morning when I woke up I started on another one of my little projects. I was having a difficult time deciding what I wanted for breakfast, so I just copied my mom and had a simple breakfast of cereal, toast, and a smoothie. The smoothie is the usual almond milk, banana, blueberry and cinnamon smoothie. I had a big bowl of Cheerios sprinkled with a little Kashi granola (there I go with the Kashi again… haha) and a piece of toast with almond butter. Nicole and Barefoot even joined us for our breakfast sit down. My morning was then spent doing dishes, a little laundry, and then being a couch potato. I lost track of time and had to quickly get ready for my lunch with my friend, Josh. I am trying to do what Meryl, my therapist, and I talked about: working on being more social and making connections with people.

My Afternoon

It was nice to get out of the house and catch up with an old friend. I took him to Elmo’s Diner because I remembered (from my lunch there with my mom last week) that they have a wide variety of foods to choose from. I was so proud of myself for venturing out of my comfort zone and eating with a friend. I even picked what I wanted in a reasonable amount of time! I decided to order the Greek Grilled Cheese. It was pita bread with american and feta cheese, cucumbers, tomato, onion, and lettuce. I got it with applesauce instead of fries. I know my nutritionist would have told me to get the fries if she were there, but I felt comfortable with the applesauce. I would order that again, no doubt! I didn’t eat all of it, but I am not focusing on that, I am focusing on the fact that I was able to go to lunch with a friend and not have a melt down! After lunch I drove Josh through downtown Durham, mainly just to show him where Dogstar is. If you don’t know already, Dogstar is where my mom and I got our bow and arrow tattoos 🙂 Then I dropped Josh back off at his house and then went home. It was a scorcher outside today, so I plopped down on the nice cool couch. The Directv wasn’t working so I had to resort to Netflix for my entertainment. I should really start a new book… it’s unhealthy how much tv I watch! I have a few on hand I need to read, but if anyone has suggestions for a book you have recently read and fell in love with, I would love to add it to my reading list!

Snack time rolled around when my mom got home from work. I had a very hard time deciding what I wanted to eat. It seems like one easy decision is followed by a difficult one. Just goes to show how recovery is one crazy roller coaster ride. I eventually made a decision though! I cooked up an egg in my mini omelet maker while I spread a queso laughing cow on a whole wheat tortilla and put some spinach on it. I then slid the egg on the wrap and topped it all with some fresh ground hot and spicy seasoning. Currently I am now sitting in the lobby of the therapist’s office at Duke. My parents have their parent group meeting tonight and they wanted me to ride with them so we could go out for dinner afterwards. We didn’t have anything prepared at home and they didn’t want to get take out because then we wouldn’t be eating until very late like last Tuesday. I think my dad wants to go to Satisfactions. I am a little nervous. I know I shouldn’t be, I should be excited to eat out with both my parents. I just have to tell myself that it will be fun and relaxing! Nothing should be stressful about it. I should cherish these opportunities and look at them as little happiness boosters. Putting these thoughts into action are easier said than done, but it is my next goal. Coming with my parents tonight presented me with another challenge that can get me one step closer if I allow it to. I am so glad that I did come because I got to meet some of the wonderful people that my parents always mention from their group session 🙂 And I got to type up my blog, which is always one of my favorite parts of the day!

I know I have big things in store for me! Keeping my stone from Mary around my neck is still a great reminder of everything I want to work towards. It reminds me that I want to be a strong, fun, loving person and that I have the best people around me providing support. Tonight, no matter where we end up eating, I am going to try and order what looks really good to me. I am going to try and let go of the desire to be the healthiest at the table by ordering the lightest “healthy” meal I can find. It will be difficult, but possible!

Am I Weird? Yes. Do I Care? Nope!

WARNING: LONG POST AHEAD. Hello! Last night my parents brought me a chicken fajita from the Mexican restaurant they stopped at. My mom told me all the updates from the other parents at their group meeting. They sound like such a lovely bunch of coconuts! I think they really enjoy chatting with the parents they have met. I ate about half of my fajita. I was still really struggling last night. It was really late when we ate and I was beat so I headed off to bed not long after dinner. I made a to-do list for today while I was waiting for my parent’s to come home. On it I wrote down what I was going to have for breakfast, that way there wouldn’t be any surprises this morning. I was hoping that would help my day by starting my first meal off on a positive note. I think it worked! Even though I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and didn’t fall back asleep until about 6:15, I still managed to have a wonderful day 🙂

Breakfast

For breakfast my mom made her new favorite smoothie, the banana blueberry smoothie with almond milk. Then I scrambled an egg with spinach again and threw it on a toasted english muffin. I then topped it with a little avocado and salsa. What a beautiful combination! Then I was off to the dentist! I think I have discovered another way to motivate myself to get to a healthy weight. I have noticed that when I see people that I haven’t seen in a while (for example: the super nice lady at the chinese place we get take out from or my dental hygienist) they comment on my lost weight and then I can read the concern all over their faces. That makes me want to be healthy again so I don’t have to receive that look anymore. But my dental hygienist actually talked to me a lot about my eating disorder because her daughter also went through the struggles of anorexia. Unlike mine, hers was caused by a virus (which I didn’t know was possible, but it’s so interesting how the human body works!) but she still had a lot of the similar characteristics as me. She wished me the best with getting better, which was so nice of her. My dentist has the sweetest people working there. I love it! Am I weird because I like the dentist? Probably. Do I care? Nope!

Then my mom and I went to the Person Country Animal Shelter… Just to look. We still haven’t talked to my dad about adopting a puppy. Eeeekkkk! We found one that we adored though! She was the cutest little thing. I already decided if we adopted her I would call her Moose. I’m not going to hold my breath though haha. Afterwards we headed home for a few minutes, just to do some laundry and dishes before heading into Durham.

Lunch

We stopped at the UPS store so I could finally ship my cousin, Madelyne, some things I told her I was giving her. Then we went to lunch at Noodles & Company because it was located right by my therapist. OH MY GOODNESS was it yummy. I actually enjoyed it! What? What was that, Beth? You enjoyed food? Yes, I did. I was so proud of myself. I ordered the Japanese Pan Noodles with shrimp. I even ate it with chop sticks. So much fun! My mom and I sat by the window and chatted about how when I am healthy we both want to start doing yoga. We also talked about what I am thinking I want to do with my future. I really want to learn from my experience with anorexia but I want to do something with my love for physical activity (Personal trainer maybe?) and maybe even nutrition. That way I can help people to live a healthy lifestyle without causing damage to their bodies like I have to mine. All ideas! My therapy session went well. I mostly talked about my social habits, which if you know me have always been the same. I have always been shy and quiet and kind of a home body. That’s just me though, it’s what makes me comfortable. Next event of the day: spur of the moment trip to Mebane to look for throw pillows for the couch. We got everything but throw pillows haha! I got some amazing deals at Oakley! I always forget that store is there, so when I walked by I said to my mom that I wanted to just go take a quick look around. So glad I went in! I got a new bathing suit and two jackets. They were so cheap. It. Was. Awesome. We ran into the Nike outlet as well. The only reason we went in there was so that I could take a picture of the mannequin, you know, for motivation. Am I weird that I wanted to take a picture of the mannequins? Most likely. Do I care? Not one bit! They are my current motivation. I want to fill out my clothing and have strong, healthy muscles. I wouldn’t mind those outfits either haha. We also went into a kitchen ware store so I could get a mini omelet maker to make eggs easily in the morning. We walked around the outlets a little more, looking in all the windows. Then we headed over to Sheets, my favorite gas station ever. I used to think Sheets was so repulsive but now I love it! I picked out a snack, which was wonderful. On our way home we stopped at Weaver Street Market in Hillsborough. It is the cutest little grocery store that sells natural and organic products. We just grabbed a few things. While browsing through the store, we saw this brand of something, I don’t know what it was exactly, but the names were so funny! If I ever got this, I would find a crowded street and walk up and down the sidewalk yelling “I am drinking Fire!!!” I don’t know if I would actually do that, But I would like to think that I would. Am I weird? You betcha. Do I care? Absolutely not!

Now that I am back home I am doing a little relaxing on the couch before dinner. We are having salad and chili mac, which is just my mom’s chili that she put together in the crock pot this morning over some pasta. I think it will be good. I have done so well today, I am determined to keep it up!

Oh! Guess what I got at Weaver Street Market! It was hard for me, but to keep up the momentum of being successful and motivated I got some Ben and Jerry’s half baked froyo. Mary, my nutritionist, told me to start adding in sweets. I haven’t really been comfortable doing that, so she would be so proud of me for taking a step in the right direction.

For some humor for those wanting a good laugh, this is something that I believe I have:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v98CPXNiSk