I apologize so, so, SO much for not taking the time to drop in and give updates. My life has been so chaotic that I barely have time to sleep. I know in my last post I said that I would be back to write the very next day. Whelp… I lied. Sorry 😦 I had a stomach bug and was feeling AWFUL so I did absolutely nothing and I figured you all wouldn’t care to hear about that. So I saved you big time from getting too much information.
Since then I have been going to class, lab and work. Those three things have been my life. When I was able to be home all I had time for was homework and studying. I am still loving the course. The material is fascinating. I am definitely ready for it to be over though so my stress level decreases some. I have not been entirely satisfied with the grades I have been making, but apparently my grades are still slightly higher that the class average. I am trying so hard to accept the fact that I’m not going to be perfect and that it’s alright not to be. I only have two labs left: Monday is the second part of the anatomy dissection plus a quiz and then Tuesday is the final exam. I can’t believe lab is almost over! I’m ready though. I’ll be able to focus more on lecture. I only have two weeks left of lecture and then my life can briefly return to somewhat normalcy before I start the fall semester!
So some other things that have happened since I last popped in… Let’s see. Matt (my cousin Madelyne’s boyfriend) moved down here and started working at my mom’s school! Madelyne is going to be coming down in a few days and then I think she is moving in to her apartment down here at the very beginning of August. How exciting is that?!
Lately I feel like I have been a walking target for bad luck. I’m exaggerating because really nothing awful has happened. I did drop my phone in the parking lot at UNC, shattering the screen. I am hopefully getting it replaced today though. Then the next day I spilled my overnight oatmeal on myself a little bit in the way to class so I had to walk around with a stain on my shirts. I tried to hide it though haha. Then I definitely got ink all over that shirt from my printer at home. Fun times.
I had my appointment with Mary on Wednesday. It went really well. I filled her in on classes and then talked about some challenges I still faced. It is still a little hard for me to be spontaneous about eating. For example, I brought me lunch with me one day to UNC. In between lecture and lab my friend Erica invited me to go to a burger place for lunch with her and few other people. I politely turned it down, saying I needed to do some work before lab and that I brought my lunch with me. Looking back now I would have loved to meet more people, but the thought of having a burger for lunch that was unplanned was still a little bothersome. So I just need to work on getting over those fears of having food that is unplanned. And then the added fear of eating out. I feel like when I look at a menu I still automatically rule out certain dishes because I have marked them as “bad.” So Mary and I talked about that for a while and discussed how I don’t indulge in rich dishes very often so if I see something on a menu that looks good I NEED to order it! Good goal for the next time the opportunity arises.
This upcoming week is going to be a doozy! Wednesday is the triple-a all star game and the Bulls are hosting it. The days leading up to it are going to be insanity. So I am going to be busy with class and then through that on top. I have my lab final Tuesday and then a test in lecture on Thursday. I don’t know how I am going to have enough time for it all!
I haven’t taken many pictures lately and the ones I have taken are boring, so I’m sorry this post is dry! I am going to try and take more time so I can do my writing because I miss doing this!
I really hope you all are doing well and enjoying your summer! 🙂
Oh goodness, another day come and gone, just like that! Today absolutely FLEW by.
Early Morning Work + Breakfast
I was up early to knock out the rest of the work for my client before fixing my breakfast and getting ready for my little meeting at Starbucks. I finished up the 4th sample day. I feel like this is a good start for my client! For breakfast I had sauteed red pepper and spinach mixed with an egg and oatmeal topped with berries and shredded unsweetened coconut. A little somethin’ different. I guess I forgot to take a picture of it though, which is a bummer.
I had a great meeting with my client! I already have a few more other things to work on for her. I really hope this works for her because I can tell she is in so much stress. I had a delicious chai latte while I talked with her.
After my meeting was over I headed over to the Public Safety building at UNC to try and figure out a parking permit for my summer class and then for the fall. I basically didn’t have anything I needed with me to get the permit since I drove my dad’s truck… Poor old blue is in the shop. Then permits for the fall are based on a lottery, so I am scared I am not going to be able to get one. It’ll work itself out though. I made a quick stop at Bed Bath and Beyond to get a few gadgets with a coupon and then I headed home. I read for a while before I fixed my lunch. I made a sweet potato, brussels, broccoli and taco turkey hash with a laughing cow queso wedge. Plus berries and a greek yogurt! So delicious! I had to switch it up from my normal chicken salad with pretzels, carrots and guac.
I did a few chores around the house before heading back in to Durham to get my hair cut by Danica at Amber and Dave’s house. I just got a trim, but I am already missing the length, even if it was dry! Haha, it’ll grow back though. I even held baby Asher for the first time today! It went a lot better than I expected. He is a good little guy.
When I got home I made a quick cheese quesadilla before heading out to the barn to ride Vinnie. I had a very relaxing ride! Then I had a little fun with the barn cats 🙂 Vinnie was showing off his neck to try and get some treats. What a goober.
Now I am going to go fix my dinner, but first I will quickly share my goals for the week that I made with Mary!
Stop being repetitive
Add back more breads or bagels instead of always having pretzels
No new “food rules” to help me cope with any stress
Make a list of my priorities but be aware that there will always be a list
Get more sleep!
Make a food record for the week
So we talked a lot about each of those things because they seem to be factoring in to my eating habits and Mary wants to make sure that I am remaining stable with school starting up. She always thinks of everything!
I was going to have the day off tomorrow, but my boss asked if I could come in. I am definitely not going to turn down the hours! So I am going to go eat my dinner and prepare myself for tomorrow 🙂 Have a great night!
Do you ever hear people say that there is always something that needs to be worked on? I find that to be true. I think there is a healthy way to always challenge yourself though. We don’t need any of that obsessive perfectionistic vibes floating around! I am talking about the small daily challenges that one might face and working on overcoming those to better yourself in a way that bring you complete and total happiness. Who doesn’t want that? I will forever be finding new ways to push myself so that I am living the life I want to live.
I was up early this morning to meet Mary at 7:40 for my appointment. I had work afterwards so we kind of jumped right in to discussing this past week and the upcoming week. The big things we talked about were breakfasts and then eating out. I mentioned to her how it has been a little difficult to come up with something to have for breakfast when I know I have a small window of time, such as when I wake up to go to the gym in the morning. I want to come up with a good breakfast and morning snack that is satisfying and gives me necessary nutrients. So we compared what my breakfast was like on a day when I can cook breakfast at home and have an easy going morning with what my breakfast and morning snack is like when I am up early to go to the gym. We talked about a few ideas for meals that could be prepared in a pinch if I didn’t prep my breakfast the night before. Another challenge I still face that I would like to work on to bring more joy and spontaneity in my life is eating out. I haven’t eaten out in quite a while but it is something that people do all the time, so we talked about that for a bit. I told her that my parents and I are going to go out Friday night, hopefully to a new place, and I am going to order something that the place is really known for. That way I can really get the full experience of the restaurant and who knows, maybe I will taste something that changes my life! Mary also gave me another book to look through that she thought I would enjoy 🙂
After my appointment with Mary I went to work. I had my breakfast while I worked. I had a great time at work. We got the store completely restocked and then I got some reorders figured out for my boss. The people I work with really just make the day amazing. They are the most entertaining people I know! I wish my boss could have been there though. I feel so bad that he is sick right now! I took a break to have my lunch. I packed some leftovers along with strawberries.
When I got home at 6 I had a Kashi bar for my snack and then got started on a few things online for UNC. I also got some work done for the online store for the Bulls! I felt very productive this evening. I was supposed to hang out with my neighbor tonight but he was tired after a crazy day so that didn’t happen, which is fine because I got to watch the Penguins win their game! That and my mom made a delicious dinner 🙂
I packed up my lunch and snacks for tomorrow and then made overnight oatmeal for my early morning breakfast before I go to the gym with my mom. Then I work 9-5! I like these weekday hours.
Today’s session with Mary was so great! I like how we talk about things that are completely unrelated to nutrition. I mean, the topics can always be applied someway to relate to a challenge that I have with food, but getting different perspectives on other aspects of life to try and achieve maximum happiness. We both get sidetracked easily during conversation, but that is what makes each session so much fun! We began by talking about her son’s jazz show he was doing tonight that she was attending. He plays the upright bass and had to compose music for everyone else playing tonight. That was interesting to talk about and I hope his show went well! Afterwards I began by talking about my past week. I told her that I pretty much worked all day every day but on Sunday I was able to go to the barn. She asked me what my plan was with Vinnie and I told her that I was thinking about the possibility of showing him again (since my mom and Renee discovered the secret to making horses calm at shows) but maybe just starting with open shows. It is just an idea at the moment. Mary then asked me to describe what showing was like. To me, showing is such a rush of so many emotions. There is excitement and adrenaline mixed with gut wrenching nerves. The feeling after you finish a class is worth all the sweat and tears you poured to get there. Putting yourself out there to be judged and coming out on the other side is such a big accomplishment and something to be proud of, whether or not you won first place or came in last. I always felt like I overcame my biggest fear when I was done with the class and it always made me want to turn right around and do it again. Overcoming fear is just exhilarating. We eventually started talking about the actual food part of my week, and I made a few goals:
Be more spontaneous at work: go out to lunch with people if they are going. Be aware of my inner response to the situation and how I feel from the moment it is presented through the time we are eating. Order something that sounds very good. Notice if I am scared of that food. All of these will help me to bond socially with people.
Time my meals better while I am at work. Food is not a reward – don’t delay lunch or snack until I am finished with a task. If I am hungry I need to take my break and eat. Even if I am worrying about my task while I am eating, it is still important not to put off nourishing my body, not all eating opportunities are going to be relaxing.
When we talked about social bonding Mary shared a story with me from her weekend at her beach art retreat. She was reading on a bridge because it was just the perfect spot. A woman walked by and said she was searching for a place to read. The woman eventually came back and said that the bridge was the perfect place to read. Mary told her she was about to go have dinner so she could take her spot on the bridge. Well, Mary said her and the woman ended up talking for a while. The woman just really needed to talk about a problem she was having. People aren’t meant to hold everything in and sometimes you just have to say words out loud to realize what needs to be done. Mary of course told the story with much more detail and eloquence, but that was the gist of it. I said it was wonderful how she acted as a human canvas for this woman. She just needed to express everything in her mind and she did so by using Mary as a vessel to hold on to everything that flowed out.
At the end of the session I told her how I was starting to get nervous about my school situation. I should hear back from UNC in about a week and I will hear from State mid-May. She gave me wonderful advice: breath. The right school will happen. I can’t control everything and I should just ket the universe take care of it. The universe will put me in the right place. What ever happens will be the best thing to occur and something wonderful will come from it. Let go and life happens. Sometimes if you try and control things too much, they end up going out of control or pushing away. That was wonderful advice and of course she had a terrific story to go along with the advice. Mary’s stories are the best! She is just amazing. She is like the super nutritionist!
After that appointment I headed home, making a quick stop to get a USB memory stick. I heated up leftovers for lunch and threw an apple in as a side.
I worked on transferring pictures to the memory stick before I headed to the barn to hangout with Vinnie! I had a great time grooming and then sitting on the fence watching him. Soooo relaxing 🙂
When I got back home I started cleaning and reorganizing my room. I had to scrape paint up off the floor before I vacuumed and rearranged. I took a break during my room project to have pretzels and greek yogurt.
My mom made dinner tonight: turkey burgers, roasted brussels and zucchini. I just had the brussels and then had an addition of a small sweet potato.
Now I am watching this intense Pirates game! Hope you had a good day!
This morning I tried to sleep in as much as I could before I got up to get my day started. I multi tasked and cooked my breakfast as I got ready for my appointment with Mary as well as work. I made basically an identical breakfast to yesterday’s.
I grabbed my things and then I was off to my meeting with Mary! Our time began with her telling me all about her time in New Orleans. It sounded like she had such an amazing time there! She gave me a Praline that she made at a culinary class she took and it was delicious. She then told me about the areas she toured and how she wore a costume on St. Patricks day. I think it sounded like a marvelous place and I definitely wouldn’t turn down the opportunity to travel there! When we started discussing how my week went I handed her the detailed food log I made that also kept track of my hunger and fullness levels as well as the times of my meals and snacks. We were really able to go into a lot of depth, mostly because of the notes I made for each day as well, describing times when I felt like I was listening to eating disorder type thoughts. We also talked about a big thing that I need to break. I have been waiting until sometimes 5:30 to have my snack. The was a rule that somehow was enforced that I couldn’t eat my snack before 5 even if I was hungry. So that is a big goal of mine to break that. We talked about several other things before I summarized how things have been going with Lori. Mary had some great input as well on the whole dating subject as well as hiding in an eating disorder to avoid the things we fear. Before I left we spent a few minutes discussing good ideas for a name for my personal chef business. She is full of such knowledge! Great session! Here are all of my goals for the week:
When eating out, don’t fear the amount of carbs, fat, protein in the food, but instead focus on my level of hunger. How hungry am I feeling? What do I feel like eating? How full do I want to feel after I eat? Approach those questions with honesty and curiosity.
Eat a meal at the Whole Foods HOT BAR, not the salad bar.
Let go of fear!!!!
Don’t delay my snacks: eat when I am hungry. NO MORE OF THE AFTER 5 RULE
Eat enough at each meal so I am not eating bigger snacks and skimping on the next meal as a result
Keep up with my detailed food log. Circle areas where I am feeling too hungry or too full and try and make sense of it
After my appointment was over with Mary I headed over to the Bulls for work. There wasn’t much actual work that we could do, but over the course of the work day we did two interviews, tagged a few boxes of shirts, moved a few boxes out of the way of accounting’s files, and worked on online orders. After the first interview we took a break to have our lunches. I packed a turkey sandwich, carrots and an apple.
It was a good day at work, but a stressful one because opening day is getting closer and closer and we are anticipating the move back into the stadium. Of course, everything is up in the air about the day we can start moving things so we are stressing about when the right time will be to pack everything up from the temporary location. It is just hectic.
When I got home I got changed into lazy clothes and then had my snack. I had pretzels, Greek yogurt and the rest of the Praline Mary gave me.
Now I am just relaxing on the couch, but I will probably go help my mom with dinner soon. I really need to get to bed at a decent hour tonight! Tomorrow morning my mom and I are getting up early to go to the Y before we both go to work! I am hoping tomorrow is warmer and sunny. This cold rainy business needs to be over! Hope you had a good day!
Yesterday was an interesting day for me… I had good sessions with Mary and Lori but for some reason I was still in “blah” mode. I think I was just being really hard on myself and letting those negative self image issues control my happiness. So let me share my goals from each of my appointments.
Goals made with Mary
Add variety to my snacks (stray from my “safe” trail mix and nut butter sandwiches
Work on Mindful Eating: break the need to play sudoku or have another distraction while eating
Challenge myself to make my days different. Some days I can have more fats and proteins and less carbs, or the other way around
Make detailed notes on my hunger/fullness levels and take note of where I made changes to my amount of exchanges for fat, protein, carbs. Adjust my portions accordingly to my hunger/fullness levels
Read more from Mindfully Eating
Goals made with Lori
Some of these goals feel super random, but she is helping me to figure out what I want for myself in life
Create space for feeling my emotions. I might start doing Evening Pages where I focus on my emotions instead of just writing about random things like I do in my Morning Pages
Do my “feeling” meditations where I focus on sensations I am feeling
Make a “Personal ad” as if I were making a dating page so I can realize what I would have to offer in a relationship.
Make a note of what my ideal dating situation would look like
Before going to sleep last night my dad confronted me and asked why I was in a bad mood. I told him that there was no reason, I was just feeling very… blah. He asked me why I was feeling that way and I kept saying over and over that I didn’t know why. Then after more questioning I had a huge breakdown. I must have been holding it in for a while because there were so many waterworks. I told him that I was just really unhappy with myself. I feel like I should just be ashamed of the weight I have restored. I don’t know why I can’t just be happy and ways to improve myself are constantly crossing my mind. My dad talked to me for a while about how I have no reason to be unhappy, I look great and healthy. It was just a really difficult conversation for me because I really don’t like talking about those feelings. My dad really emphasized the importance of me sharing those feelings with him and my mom whenever I am experiencing them. So I am going to try my best to communicate what is going on inside.
This morning I woke up earlier than I would have liked, but I did some relaxing before I fixed my breakfast and quickly got ready for work. I made myself a green pepper and spinach scramble, oatmeal with berries, chia seeds and walnuts and a chai latte. For lunch I packed soup, carrots, an apple and a yogurt. For my snack I brought a Kind bar. Today I worked I helped tag an insane amount of novelty items for the store. That was pretty much all I did today haha. When I came home I went right to the couch to relax. I think I was just really tired. I think I actually woke up tired.
For dinner we just fixed our go-to cuisine: Mexican. We already had all the ingredients! I made chicken and cheese chimis and a mexican salad. Plus a glass of milk because that salsa was muy caliente!
I wanted to prime my bedroom, but relaxing sounded better to me this evening. Tomorrow morning I am getting up early to go to the Y with my mom and then I am meeting Margaret for a coffee/chai before I go into work. So since my morning is going to be busy I think I am going to go make ahead my breakfast and lunch for tomorrow and then get a snack in before I call it a night. Hope you had a good day!
Hope you have been having a great Tuesday! Today has been another nonstop day for me. I woke up early in a panic because I completely forgot I had to go get a drug screening for my re-employment at the Bulls. They told me on Saturday I had three days to do it so I was worried I was going to run out of time. I knew if I didn’t act immediately I wouldn’t get it done, so I jumped out of bed and got ready and made it there shortly after they opened at 8. I was surprised by how quick of a process it was. I was in and out in 5 minutes! The drive took me about 45 minutes total though, so it almost seemed like it wasted time. When I got home I made my breakfast since I was in too big of a hurry to eat before I left. I made a bowl of oatmeal made with egg whites, a green smoothie and a chai latte. Yummy! I worked on the crossword and sudoku puzzles before getting all of the analyses on the meals for my client finished. I then organized the nutritional information, all the receipts and recorded my hours before packing up her meals and hitting the road. I did manage to take a picture of everything I made, although the majority of it was already frozen so the pictures aren’t the prettiest!
Butternut squash and white béchamel sauce lasagna
Ginger, curry, sweet potato and chicken stew
Potato and chicken stew with carrots and green beans
Pork chop with green beans and ginger kale rice
Stuffed pork chops (feta and spinach) with rosemary roasted potatoes
Peanut butter chia bars
Chia and rice pudding
My client seemed excited for yet another week of meals, so that put a huge smile on my face! We talked with Mary about a few things before Mary and I got started on my session.
Before I do my recap on my sessions, I just wanted to share this hilarious video. Ben Crane is one of my favorite golfers and he makes these great videos that always make me laugh. See, even professional golfers have things in their life that are challenging!
It was a great session with Mary, we talked about a lot of things that I have been struggling with. A few minutes into my session we were interrupted by the delivery of her new kitchen island! I didn’t mind at all and I did what I could to help get it in place. It looks so amazing! She had it made by the Reuse Warehouse and it is beautiful. The top is a butcher block that is gorgeous! When we got back to my session I filled her in on my weekend. I told her all about the challenges I faced with the Krispy Kreme Challenge and having family visit. I discussed how I didn’t stick to my bubbles while family was visiting and how I was a little nervous about the things my mom randomly brought home from the grocery store. I was bad about making sure I was filling out my bubbles on my meal plan and I told Mary it was because I was a little self conscious about filling in my food with so many people around. Plus I wanted to try and eat “normally” like everyone else. I realize now that I wasn’t eating normally. I didn’t have any of the chips and dip or mac and cheese that my mom brought home. I didn’t have a single doughnut from Saturday until Monday as part of my breakfast (while the others my age scarfed a few down in the car ride home on Saturday) and I didn’t join in on having a milkshake when I drove Madelyne and Matt to Cook Out for a late night snack. Eduardo was in my head all weekend telling me I couldn’t do those certain things. And he was praising me when I fell short on my bubbles. I still ate, but I wasn’t eating for myself. I was comparing what I was eating or not eating to what others were doing. I do feel like I was eating normal, but after talking with Mary there were still a few ED thoughts that were lingering. She also said to me “I always tell people an eating disorder says what you are unable to say, so what do you think you couldn’t say?” I told her how I really just wanted to set an example of being healthy for those in my family who didn’t make the healthiest choices. I told her how (I think) it all started for me. Well, I was predisposed by having low self esteem. But it started when a professor showed us the film Forks over Knives and how I wanted to change my diet to be healthier to have a smaller chance of ever having serious health problems. I really wanted my parents to make changes, but they didn’t really so I tried making bets with them: I tried betting my dad that I could go longer without eating breads or processed foods than he could without having soda. I don’t think we ever made the bet, but I acted like we did. Then I became obsessed and it spiraled out of control. We then talked about how I needed to stop vicariously eating or not eating through others. Does that make sense? I told her I have been focusing my restrictive desires on my dad. If I see him go for a few pretzels or crackers in the pantry, or see him go back for another beer, I give him a stare down or a glare even though I don’t think he sees it. We both kind of laughed about that haha. So one of my goals is to stop doing that.
Once I was done at Mary’s I went to Whole Foods for a late lunch. I got fruit, veggies, a turkey sandwich, yogurt and a WhatsoNutso bar. I ate my lunch and read a book I brought with me until it was time for me to go to Lori’s.
When I met with Lori we talked a lot about the weekend and everything that went on. I basically summed up some of the thoughts I was having and Lori helped me to identify the thoughts as negative, advice giving thoughts. I brought my journal that I have been writing my Morning Pages in so that we could discuss them. She asked me to look back through it to see if I had any thoughts that triggered me to have more of these ED thoughts. We discussed my breathing exercises and the different paths my thinking took before I was able to refocus my attention on my breathing. She helped me to come up with a strategy to help me when I am having those thoughts. My challenge for the week is to take a step back and take a breather around ten times a day so I can regroup and come back ready to live in the moment. During my breather I am to assess internal or external sensation that are non evaluative. I practiced by describing a table that was in the room. I wasn’t allowed to judge the table, but I had to describe it. Then I described two different sensations that I might feel when I am anxious or nervous. Lori also is challenging me with days where EVERYTHING I do is spontaneous. From the moment I wake up I am not supposed to plan what I wear, what I do, what I eat, etc. I just let it happen. I asked if I could “cheat” by writing down suggestions on slips of paper and then pulling them from a hat for the first day. I think I am going to have my parents help me come up with ideas because I feel like if I write down spontaneous things to do it will be “hop a plane to Australia” and then I will pull the “the paper told me to do it! I am just doing what I am supposed to do!” card. I don’t think that would work out well haha. So I had a good session with both Mary and Lori!
When I got home I had trail mix and crackers for my snack and then bubbled in today’s eats so I can get back on track. I then did a little picking up in the kitchen. Now I am thinking I should probably get started on fixing something for dinner since it is already after 8:30!