Goal: Work With No Excuses

I have literally spent my entire day at work. Yesterday, too, when I wasn’t at my appointments. Last night I got home and had dinner at 11:30 so I was just way too tired to do my daily post. Tonight I was able to leave earlier so I am taking advantage to do a reallllyyy quick update before I have snack and go to bed. I NEED TO SLEEP. Tomorrow is opening day at the ballpark and we still have like a week worth of things that need to be done, so I am going to be going in really early and I will be there till the last person leaves, so more than likely there will be no post tomorrow either. So… Where to begin?

Yesterday

I woke up early to go to the Y with my mom before clocking in at 8. I followed my mom’s lead and did a 40 minute strength training workout. It was a good one. I felt the burn as I did the exercises but it didn’t make me sore. Before the Y I had a banana and after the Y for my morning snack I had overnight oatmeal made with strawberry Greek yogurt.Image I worked on personalizations for online orders all morning before I went to my appointment with Mary. My session went really well! I have my goals made and we talked about creativity and how to differentiate between different types of satiety. It is also my goal to be more spontaneous when I am at work. I have been coming up with excuses to not partake in the eating activities that others do. A lot of people go grab a quick bite out and I haven’t felt comfortable doing that, which makes me wait till I get home to eat dinner and I end up eating too late and going too long in between meals and snacks.

After that I met my mom at Whole Foods for lunch. I had a rice, veggie and egg mixture, mixed fruit and greek yogurt.Image After sitting and talking with my mom for a while I ran to the bank before heading over to my appointment with Lori. I can’t believe that yesterday was my last appointment with Lori. I am really going to miss working with her. We briefly talked about my homework from the past week before we reflected on what I have learned over the past year. We also discussed techniques that really worked for me so that I can use them in the future. It was a good way to wrap up our time together.

After my session I had a new bar for my snack.Image Then I went back to work! I worked until 10:40. I am so glad it was fun though!

When I made it home I reheated what was left from my parent’s dinner. I threw the chicken on sliced bread with a wedge of white cheddar laughing cow. There was also some really tasty baked zucchini and yellow squash. Then as my immediate bedtime snack I had some berries, trail mix and milk.ImageImage

Today

This morning I was up early to get ready for work. I got ready and then packed my lunch before having a quick banana and greek yogurt. Mid morning I had my almond butter sandwich.Image

I worked all day at folding t shirts. I did a few other things, but this was a task that felt never ending. For lunch I had leftover pork stuffing,  cauliflower, an apple and pretzels.Image I was feeling very stressed out because the t shirt tables weren’t getting done as quickly as I was hoping. After 2 my boss basically ordered me to go eat my lunch and relax for a minute. I was also getting stressed out because there were so many new people who came in to work during the afternoon and I felt like I had to keep telling them what to do which took up time for what ever I was working on. Either that or they would come over and try to work with me on what I was working on while there were other things that needed to be done. I dealt with it though. I was new once too haha. Time flew by and I ended up having my snack later than normal. I had another new bar which was surprisingly good.Image My stress level thankfully decreased over the night. I am so happy to have Casey back at work. She really brings the fun haha. She is also really thoughtful. She runs a lot and so we were talking about a half marathon and she was saying how she didn’t want me to become obsessive about it. She also checks to make sure I have eaten my lunch or snack. She is also hilarious so she is just a really good friend to have at work. There are some other really good people who work there who make the time really enjoyable!

As I drove home I ate some veggies and a turkey sandwich from Whole Foods.Image My mom was nice enough to drop me off some food for dinner so I wasn’t waiting until I got home to eat. She is so nice!

Alright, I am calling it a night! Wish me luck for the busy day tomorrow!

 

The Tuesday Routine

I love my Tuesdays. Mostly because I always have such good sessions with Mary and Lori! Today felt extra special though because I got to relax when I woke up before fixing my breakfast. It had been a while since I had my usual oatmeal, scramble and chai latte so I whipped that up for myself.Image After breakfast I cleaned the kitchen as much as I could before I put together all of the things I needed for my client and for my appointments.

I was so sad that this was the last drop off for my client. I have learned so much from this experience and I am really really wanting to make a business out of it.

Session with Mary

My session with Mary was wonderful! She started off by sharing a few thoughts she had for my business, including how to go about getting a business license and making sure I am following all the necessary regulations. Next we talked about my last week. I shared what I had been up to and how my eating went. I shared my detailed food log as well. I told her about the yoga class I took on Saturday. I realized that I was comparing myself to other women in the class and I was letting that impact my happiness and my eating later that day. Mary pulled out some pens and I began an exercise where I wrote down good things about my current body. I found it to be very helpful and I feel like I could easily remind myself of those positive qualities (strength, energy, consciousness, happiness, health) when I notice my mind going into comparison mode. After looking at my food log Mary suggested that I move my bedtime snack so that I am having two snacks between lunch and dinner because we have been having dinner so late. Mary then printed me out a page that had information about mindful eating. We read through the whole thing and discussed it. It talked a lot about fullness vs. satiety and how mindful eating focuses on feeling satisfied rather than just full. The difference is that satiety includes many emotions and senses that are involved in the process of eating. Can’t wait to work on that this upcoming week! Then we talked all about a few random things before I gave her the samples of the food I made my client. I always love my time there!

I met my mom at Whole Foods when I was done at Mary’s so we could get some lunch. I had turkey sausage with peppers and onions, brown rice, broccoli and kale along with some fruit and a greek yogurt. Yum! Image

I had some time to kill before my appointment with Lori so we went to Morgan Imports and I found a shirt that I just had to get. Only people from Durham will understand this shirt. Bull City! Image

Appointment with Lori

Lori asked me to begin by talking about the last week and how my thoughts on what I have to offer in a relationship have changed. I told her that my thoughts hadn’t changed that much, but that I realized I have all of my personal experiences, thoughts and opinions to offer. Those things are unique to me and it is something only I can bring to a relationship. Lori then pushed me to think about first dates and how I think I would feel and how I think the guy would feel. All I could really say was I would be a nervous wreck because I feel like there is so much pressure to make a good impression and that perhaps that is the reason why I fear dating. Body language/posture was another topic of discussion. She asked me to describe what my posture would be like when I was willing to be open and what it would be like if I was feeling vulnerable or ashamed. That was very interesting to me and I am going have to work on paying attention to my posture and how it reflects what I am feeling. She took a different approach to a perspective about dating because I mentioned how I felt like maybe I just have too many standards and they are unrealistic. She asked me about Vinnie and what I was looking for when I was first looking for a horse. Then she asked what drew me to Vinnie. I told her how I thought he would be a good horse because his ad pictured him being shown, he was in our price range, he was trained hunt seat, he was located close to the area, he seemed like a horse that would be a small project because he hadn’t been shown that much. Then when I saw him for the first time in person I was immediately sold. He looked right at me and I fell in love. After some time of owning him, I realized he was flawed. He was high strung and every single ride was a risk. I was in tears within hours of arriving at every single show because I was so frustrated that he was out of control. At home I couldn’t get him to do any type of work. I couldn’t even go down the road for a trail ride without putting my life at risk. I still loved him through all of those struggles. I just worked so hard to achieve perfection and I never reached it with him. Now, I am having the time of my life with Vinnie. I have let go of all my expectations and I am riding and spending time with him to experience pure joy. It is like I got happiness from not trying to make Vinnie something he isn’t and accepting him for what he is. And we couldn’t be more compatible! Lori connected that to dating and to my eating disorder. I was miserable when I was trying to make my body perfect. I had so many expectations and standards for myself. After letting go of those unhealthy habits I was able to really enjoy my life and myself. As for dating, she connected it to the challenge of having standards but being able to look past them to see what lies beneath. It is when we stop trying to make situations something they aren’t that we are able to make real connections with people. I hope all that made sense. I feel like I just had so much mumble jumble going on in my head and I tried to get it all out at once. Hope you understood all that!

On my way home I had a blueberry muffin Larabar.Image When I got home I repaired some necklaced that broke before I was joined by my mom. We cooked dinner together and it was delicious! Pasta with a homemade tomato “sauce” and turkey feta meatballs. It was fabulous! Image

After dinner I got my things prepped for tomorrow. I put together my breakfast and packed my lunch and snacks. I am going to be up early to go to the gym before going to work so I am off to have a quick snack before bed! Hope you had a good day!

Great Ending for Another Tuesday!

Today passed with much rapidity! It was a non-stop kind of day for the vast majority of it. This morning I woke up and made a breakfast that left me feeling more than satisfied. I had a big bowl of oatmeal topped with berries, an egg and veggie scramble and a chai latte.Image Once I finished breakfast I got my clothes set out to take to the Y before I went to the barn to meet everyone for the final vaccinations. There was a thick layer of ice completely covering Old Blue so I had to wait a few minutes before the ice scraper could serve its purpose. It was freezing out at the barn! I tried to keep my hands in my pockets as much as possible to keep them warm, so no barn picture today 😦 When I got home I quickly got changed for the gym and then my mom and I were off to Durham! I decided to do my work out on the treadmill again and I did a total of 5 miles.ImageImage I worked up a huge sweat! We hit the showers and then headed to Whole Foods for lunch.Image We had to hurry through our lunch so that I could make it to Dr. Chung in time. I was having a follow up with him, but mostly I just talked to a med student doing her rotation. Dr. Chung was sick so he didn’t want to spend much time in the room talking haha. He said everything was good though! I think my parents were a little disappointed that they didn’t get to speak to him, but I don’t think there is anything that would cause them to worry. My next follow up appointment isn’t for another 7 weeks!

After my appointment with Dr. Chung I drove to my appointment with Lori. Since I still had time to kill I had my yogurt that I didn’t get to have at lunch since I ran out of time. I also worked on some of my assignments that I had for Lori. My appointment with Lori went really well! I started off by sharing my homework where I made a list of all the things I fear about dating. We then discussed that for a good amount of time. She pushed me to think about what advice those fears would give me and I learned that if I listened to the advice I would feel I needed to change my appearance to make up for any of my other flaws. Or the other advice would be that I just stay single forever. We covered a lot of ground and I feel like I have a whole new outlook on the process of dating. I made a few connections to how my eating disorder acted like a “boyfriend” without actually being one. Eduardo was a real smooth talker and made me feel like I was happy and that my relationship with him was the only one I needed. A lot of people picture their ED being a monster, but often time ED can be a real 007. ED would compliment on the lost weight, telling me I looked great and that I didn’t need anyone else because I had him and what more did I need? As long as I listened to his rules about restricting I was in the perfect relationship. So Lori and I then talked about Psychological Flexibility, which is part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. One of the values or goals with that is to reduce the urge to listen to the rigid rules that are unhealthy. Another one is to recognize a thought as a thought and move on (“have a thought but done buy it”). I feel like my denying myself of that suave voice in my head, I have succeeded in gaining health and I have realized that relationships with actual people are part of living a happy and fulfilled life.

My session with Lori actually ran late, so I had to rush off to Josh’s house to meet him and Justin for dinner out. On the way I had a larabar for my snack.Image I got there probably 25 minutes late, but thankfully they were very understanding! I got to choose the place and so I decided on Pompieri Pizza. It is the sister restaurant to Bull City Burgers and it was awesome! I love the downtown location! So there is only one size of pizza but they have specialty pizzas and build your own. I built my own!Image The coolest part: they don’t slice it for you, but they gift you scissors (or kitchen shears?) to cut a piece off.Image(Justin in action) I have never had pizza like that before! I thought it was a neat place. It is located in an old firehouse. Oh, another interesting thing. They have fishtanks inside and then above the tanks they grown their own basil for the fresh basil featured on the pizzas!Image Dinner was great. We ended up sitting there for ages just talking before we decided to stop by Tyler’s work. He works at a funeral home and he actually gave us all a tour of the place. It was different, but educational. I learned a lot about the funeral business haha. After our pit stop at Tyler’s work we went back to Josh’s and watched The Naked Gun. That movie is so funny, mostly because it is incredibly stupid! It provided us with lots of laughs though so it did its job haha. While we were watching the movie I had a clementine that Josh offered me. I was proud of myself for quickly accepting food that I had not planned for!

When I got home I talked to my dad for a few minutes before having a little trail mix for my snack. Now I think I am going to go try and get some sleep! I have my appointment with Mary in the morning and then I have work for the rest of the day! Hope your day was good!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I am going to try out something new. I am going to share pictures of what I worked on with Mary and Lori. Most of the pictures are from my session with Lori. Mary and I usually do more talking and story telling to get our messages across, but I do write down my goals and quotes throughout the session. So I will let the pictures do most of the talking, mostly because I am feeling tired from my very late night last night and early morning. And Madelyne and Matt are here and I want to enjoy their company!!!

Session with Mary

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We talked all about my past week and how things went for me with the power outage and listening to my hunger/fullness levels. There were many other things that we talked about as well, such as a few things that people mindlessly said and that I felt bothered me. Then we also brainstormed ideas about expanding my personal chef job! It was a wonderful meeting 🙂

Session with Lori

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1. I talked as Lori wrote down the things that I felt that restriction gave me and then what healthy eating gave me. 2. Thoughts on the right are ED thoughts and the thoughts on the left are my values that keep me on track. 3. The green writing is a list of all my body concerns and thoughts about my body image, as well as advice to eat less or exercise more. The words in the box are what I feel like I would gain if I listened to that advice. 4. This is a list of things that I can think about to make myself happy and get all of those things from the previous box without listening to the advice. 5. Random quote Lori and I talked about. 6. Goals/ Homework for the week: make a list of each of the topics in black writing. I am feeling good about these assignments!

Tonight

My mom made a delicious dinner of mashed potatoes, roasted veggies and pork tenderloin while Madelyne, Matt, my dad and I worked on sorting one of his client’s receipts!ImageImage Now I am ready to relax and get some rest!

Facing My Emotions

Yesterday was an interesting day for me… I had good sessions with Mary and Lori but for some reason I was still in “blah” mode. I think I was just being really hard on myself and letting those negative self image issues control my happiness. So let me share my goals from each of my appointments.

Goals made with Mary

  • Add variety to my snacks (stray from my “safe” trail mix and nut butter sandwiches
  • Work on Mindful Eating: break the need to play sudoku or have another distraction while eating
  • Challenge myself to make my days different. Some days I can have more fats and proteins and less carbs, or the other way around
  • Make detailed notes on my hunger/fullness levels and take note of where I made changes to my amount of exchanges for fat, protein, carbs. Adjust my portions accordingly to my hunger/fullness levels
  • Read more from Mindfully Eating

Goals made with Lori

Some of these goals feel super random, but she is helping me to figure out what I want for myself in life

  • Create space for feeling my emotions. I might start doing Evening Pages where I focus on my emotions instead of just writing about random things like I do in my Morning Pages
  • Do my “feeling” meditations where I focus on sensations I am feeling
  • Make a “Personal ad” as if I were making a dating page so I can realize what I would have to offer in a relationship.
  • Make a note of what my ideal dating situation would look like

Last night

Before going to sleep last night my dad confronted me and asked why I was in a bad mood. I told him that there was no reason, I was just feeling very… blah. He asked me why I was feeling that way and I kept saying over and over that I didn’t know why. Then after more questioning I had a huge breakdown. I must have been holding it in for a while because there were so many waterworks. I told him that I was just really unhappy with myself. I feel like I should just be ashamed of the weight I have restored. I don’t know why I can’t just be happy and ways to improve myself are constantly crossing my mind. My dad talked to me for a while about how I have no reason to be unhappy, I look great and healthy. It was just a really difficult conversation for me because I really don’t like talking about those feelings. My dad really emphasized the importance of me sharing those feelings with him and my mom whenever I am experiencing them. So I am going to try my best to communicate what is going on inside.

Today

This morning I woke up earlier than I would have liked, but I did some relaxing before I fixed my breakfast and quickly got ready for work. I made myself a green pepper and spinach scramble, oatmeal with berries, chia seeds and walnuts and a chai latte.Image For lunch I packed soup, carrots, an apple and a yogurt. For my snack I brought a Kind bar.Image Today I worked I helped tag an insane amount of novelty items for the store. That was pretty much all I did today haha. When I came home I went right to the couch to relax. I think I was just really tired. I think I actually woke up tired.

For dinner we just fixed our go-to cuisine: Mexican. We already had all the ingredients! I made chicken and cheese chimis and a mexican salad. Plus a glass of milk because that salsa was muy caliente! Image

I wanted to prime my bedroom, but relaxing sounded better to me this evening. Tomorrow morning I am getting up early to go to the Y with my mom and then I am meeting Margaret for a coffee/chai before I go into work. So since my morning is going to be busy I think I am going to go make ahead my breakfast and lunch for tomorrow and then get a snack in before I call it a night. Hope you had a good day!

Skunks and Fingerprints

Weird combination, right? Don’t worry, I will explain shortly what those two have in common.

Last night before going to bed I made myself a different snack with the normal ingredients. I made an almond butter, nutella and banana quesdailla. I also had milk and trail mix.Image

This morning I woke up and wrote 15 pages in my Morning Pages journal. I had missed pretty much every day just because I have been busy from the get-go. After every three pages I would take a minute or two for a break before starting on the next three pages. I wrote down some of the random thoughts that I remembered having throughout the week. One day driving into Durham I saw several dead skunks on the road. I then thought that it is possible skunks don’t really exist because I have never seen one alive. They are just decoys for a poisonous odor being slowly released from a “carcass” that has been placed by an alien species. Yeah, I get a little creative with my random thoughts. Another random thought I had was at the Durham Bulls. I was taping a shipping label on a box and noticed my fingerprints stuck to the tape. I then made a general announcement that the recipient of that package could lift my prints off of it and then frame me for murder. That’s just how my mind works when it isn’t being occupied with thoughts about my body image, food, or my future.

For breakfast I made myself a bowl of oatmeal topped with berries, a veggie and pepper jack scramble and a chai latte.Image Then I got all my things organized for my appointments before I did dishes and then got ready to leave for Durham. Look at this beautiful vegan banana cream pie with a blueberry topping I made for my client! I sample it and mmmm, it was good. ImageI gave my client her meals for the week and then shortly discussed a few things before Mary and I got started on my session!

Session with Mary

I think my session today was a little over an hour and a half. Maybe it was even close to two hours? I don’t know, but we sure did cover a lot. After Mary had her samples of the food I made my client we began by looking over my “bubble” sheets (diet exchanges) and discussing what was going on that caused me to fall short on certain days. We were really digging deep. She was asking if there were certain things that occurred that made it hard to fill the bubbles. The days where I fell short were when I had to rush off to the office with my dad and I didn’t have time for breakfast before we left and when I met my friend for an early dinner. So she made a few suggestions of having an “emergency stash” at the office or car. We also discussed how I have been skimping in general on my morning bubbles and then having to make up for it in the evening. As a result my mornings are very light and my evenings are a little heavy, so I am going to work on balancing it back out. We also briefly talked about mindful eating and she gave me a book to read through and do a few exercises. She mentioned how a few of her clients have to grieve the end of their eating disorder so they can officially move on. It is hard to move on when it has convinced you that it is the most important thing to have in life. So Mary told me there were several ways to grieve: journal, burn old things, express myself through art, etc. Then she said it might not even be grieving, it could be a celebration. So that will be interesting to think about ways to move on for good. I also told her all about my experience at Church with the guys. Mary had many stories to tell me about believing in something greater and how some believe everything happens for a reason while other people might not. She just has so much insight, I feel like I could listen to her stories for ages. I also discussed the things my mom and I discussed last night and she had some good advice that I passed along to my mom and then good advice for me when it comes to feeling like I am weak and a failure for restoring my weight, even though I am exactly the opposite. It was a great session! I always look forward to my time spent there.

When I finished at Mary’s I went to Whole Foods and picked up lunch for my mom and I and brought it to my mom’s school. It was a really late lunch, but I still tried to cover all my bases. I had mixed fruit and veggies, a ham and cheese sandwich, vanilla greek yogurt and a WhatsoNutso bar.Image It was nice to spend a few minutes with my mom and see some of the people at her school 🙂

Appointment with Lori

I felt like I had so much stuff to squeeze in with Lori in such a short time. We jumped right in by going over a few topics in my morning pages. I talked all about my crazy skunk and fingerprint ideas and we connected it to my mind just having a little freedom from the thoughts connected to my eating disorder. I then told her all about my experience at church on Sunday. I told her how I felt like I could relate to certain things from the sermon, but it was weird because whenever someone referred to “Him” or said “He” all I could do was think of Eduardo. Lori told me that perhaps it was because I haven’t had much experience with religion and that my ED has been so controlling and it was all I could think of and believed in, that is the only thing I could relate “Him” to. So we talked about that for a while and then I told her about my plans to have the guys over on Thursday for dinner. There were a few random topics thrown in here and there, but I feel like those were the major topics that were covered. There was one thing she said that I really liked. She said that we actually learn a lot just from the questions we ask ourselves. So I think if I just keep asking myself questions I will stretch my mind some. Another good session in the books!

When I finished my appointment with Lori I headed to the Y for a yoga class. I snacked on a Kind bar before hand.Image It was a good yoga class, but it wasn’t my favorite. Maybe it was just because I was stuck in the back and it was a new instructor to me. I just wasn’t completely sold on her style and thought the class was a little on the slow/easy side. But that was probably exactly what I needed and I think I got some good stretching in. It was very relaxing as well, which I guess is the purpose?

I headed home after the yoga class and then finished the dishes. I relaxed for a few minutes and talked to my dad before getting started on cooking dinner. My mom went to the parent group and got home late, so it was a late dinner. I made spaghetti with peppers, onions and andouille sausage. It had some good flavor!Image

Now that I have filled you in on my day I am off to go relax and have my snack! Hope you had a good Tuesday 🙂

What is Your Core Question?

Today was another marathon of a day at my dad’s office. Despite having quality sleep last night, quantity was the problem. I stayed awake so I could squeeze in a delicious snack before bed. I had sweet potato pie, trail mix, milk and fruit.Image Then I was off to sleep! Thunder woke me up at some point during the night and while I loved the sound of it, I am not happy with the farmer’s tale that snow will follow within the next ten days.

This morning I woke up and was rushed to get ready. My dad surprised me by saying he had to leave right at the moment I was done getting dressed, so I didn’t have time to do anything. I made due with what was at the office for breakfast. I microwaved two packets of oatmeal and topped it with cinnamon and almonds. I also had milk to wash it all down.Image I spent the entire morning assembling tax returns and then calling people.

During our lunch hour my dad and I went to food lion to grab a few things. I ended up having an apple, carrots, a southwest style chicken panini and pretzels for my lunch.Image During the afternoon hours I finally got one company all the way caught up with entering checks and reconciling. That felt good to finish because I had been working on and off for months on trying to get it all straightened out.Image We stayed at the office till 6:15 and then headed home. I ended up not having a snack before dinner. It was no bueno. My mom already had dinner started when we made it home so I didn’t want to spoil it. Or maybe that was my excuse. Don’t know. For dinner we had pork tenderloin, yellow squash “chips” with sweet potatoes. I mixed my sweet potato with spinach and a laughing cow wedge.Image Now I am relaxing on the couch and I don’t ever want to move from it haha.

So today I still didn’t do the best job at filling up all my bubbles while I was at the office, but I think I did better than Monday. I still have my night snack to help fill up some more bubbles.

Now it is time for me to summarize my sessions with Mary and Lori!

Session with Mary

After I had a quick meet up with my client to give her the meals and snacks I made her for the week, I had my appointment with Mary. We started off by discussing quickly my client before talking about my week and my hunger/fullness levels. I of course told her about my struggles on Monday and we talked all about the difficulties or the thing holding me back. She told me one thing that really stuck with me. She mentioned a chapter from a book she recently read that spoke of having a core question that relates to personal thoughts, fears and actions. That core question can be applied to every aspect of your life and it can be different for each person. I thought about it and I felt that my core question was “will I be happy?” She asked me to apply it to different parts of my life to see if it would truly apply to everything. I applied it to body image: will I be happy with how I look? Will I be happy with how I feel? I applied it to my education and my future: will I be happy with the school I attend? Will I be happy with the major I choose? Will I be happy with the career it leads to? I applied it to me relationships: Will I be happy to have this person in my life? Will I be happy to have to worry about another person? Will I be happy with who is in my life? Mary really pushed me to elaborate on each one of those and then she made me look at it another way. She said “pretend I am you and I am stuck in this place where I am not moving forward because I don’t know if I will be happy or not. Take my kitchen for example. I painted it one color I really liked for a kitchen, but it wasn’t the appropriate color for an office as well. I fear choosing the wrong color and I only have one more chance to find a color. What advice would you give me?” I was stuck for a minute because I didn’t know what to say because she only had one chance. We ended up discussing paint for a few minutes and we talked about all the different options she had. It was a great way to see that the action of moving forward is truly what brings happiness. Yes, the finish product might bring you even more happiness, but the experience and the feeling of conquering fears is what makes you feel like you are walking on sunshine. Mary also displayed her wisdom by saying that if you envision yourself at a certain place in the future, that is where you will be because if it is what you want you will make it happen. So we talked all about creating a vision board to help motivate me. Now I just need to find the time to make one! At another point during my session Mary also had me do another exercise. Whenever I am having negative thoughts she told me to change the pace and the tone of the thought. Negative thoughts are usually “fast paced” thoughts, while positive thoughts happen at a calmer pace. She told me to take my negative thoughts and to slow them down as slow as possible. Then she had me imagine my thought on a billboard. I guess I should say that before this she had me think of a thought about myself that I have been having. One I came up with was “I’m not that small.” So I imagined it up the billboard and then she told me to take away the first two words, so I was left with “that small.” That was the part that changed the tone or meaning of the word. I thought that was very interesting. Then she had me ramble off a few more thoughts, most of them involving the word “not” and then she told me to change all of those thoughts so that they said the same thing but they weren’t negating. For example, one one “I’m not that pretty” and it was changed into “I’m ugly.” She said it was still a negative thought, but it didn’t have quite as big of a negative impact because it didn’t have the word “not” in it. I thought that was rather interesting. Anyways, It was a really good session and I feel like I had a lot of breakthroughs in that short amount of time. Mary is just wonderful 🙂

Session with Lori

My session with Lory flew by! Perhaps it is because there is a 52 minute maximum for the sessions because there is always a shortage of rooms? Lori started off by asking me how my goals went for the week. She asked about my Morning Pages, my breathing exercises and thought tracking, as well as my daily check ins with feelings or sensations and my day of spontaneity. I didn’t really talk about my Morning Pages, primarily because I didn’t do them haha. I didn’t have my journal in my room this past week so I kept forgetting about it. I successfully did my check ins though. I would take breathers to focus on feelings within the body. Or even feelings that were external. I mentioned the sensation of the cool leather couch against my skin whenever I would relax, I talked about the tightness in my calves after I ran and the feelings that went along with that. I also talked about the jittery feelings I had when I was snowed in and how I felt that restlessness in my arms and legs. I talked about my spontaneous day and how I felt like in a way it was spontaneous because I went into it without having any idea of what I was going to do but in a way it felt like I didn’t do anything different. We discussed my project of redoing my room. I told her how I spackled my walls and did a little work on my bed frame. That led to us discussing color ideas for my walls. She had just done a workshop that discussed the impact of colors so she was very curious to hear my ideas and what colors resonated with me. Just like with Mary, we discussed Monday and talked about what factored in to me having urges to restrict food. My session with Lori was very productive and informative and I left with similar goals for this week that I had last week.

Well, now that I have you up to date on everything I think I am going to go watch some of the Olympics before I have my snack and call it a night. Tomorrow morning I will be up early again to go to my dad’s office. Then I have an orthodontist appointment at 1 to get my permanent retainer fixed. I am kind of hoping they will just remove it! That would make flossing a million times easier haha. Alrighty, I’m off. Have a good one!

Slow Life

Hope you have been having a great Tuesday! Today has been another nonstop day for me. I woke up early in a panic because I completely forgot I had to go get a drug screening for my re-employment at the Bulls. They told me on Saturday I had three days to do it so I was worried I was going to run out of time. I knew if I didn’t act immediately I wouldn’t get it done, so I jumped out of bed and got ready and made it there shortly after they opened at 8. I was surprised by how quick of a process it was. I was in and out in 5 minutes! The drive took me about 45 minutes total though, so it almost seemed like it wasted time. When I got home I made my breakfast since I was in too big of a hurry to eat before I left. I made a bowl of oatmeal made with egg whites, a green smoothie and a chai latte. Yummy!IMG_2375 I worked on the crossword and sudoku puzzles before getting all of the analyses on the meals for my client finished. I then organized the nutritional information, all the receipts and recorded my hours before packing up her meals and hitting the road. I did manage to take a picture of everything I made, although the majority of it was already frozen so the pictures aren’t the prettiest!

  • Butternut squash and white béchamel sauce lasagna
  • Ginger, curry, sweet potato and chicken stew
  • Potato and chicken stew with carrots and green beans
  • Pork chop with green beans and ginger kale rice
  • Stuffed pork chops (feta and spinach) with rosemary roasted potatoes
  • Blueberry tart
  • Peanut butter chia bars
  • Chia and rice pudding

ImageImageImageImageImageIMG_2381 IMG_2383IMG_2385 

My client seemed excited for yet another week of meals, so that put a huge smile on my face! We talked with Mary about a few things before Mary and I got started on my session.

Before I do my recap on my sessions, I just wanted to share this hilarious video. Ben Crane is one of my favorite golfers and he makes these great videos that always make me laugh. See, even professional golfers have things in their life that are challenging!

It was a great session with Mary, we talked about a lot of things that I have been struggling with. A few minutes into my session we were interrupted by the delivery of her new kitchen island! I didn’t mind at all and I did what I could to help get it in place. It looks so amazing! She had it made by the Reuse Warehouse and it is beautiful. The top is a butcher block that is gorgeous! When we got back to my session I filled her in on my weekend. I told her all about the challenges I faced with the Krispy Kreme Challenge and having family visit. I discussed how I didn’t stick to my bubbles while family was visiting and how I was a little nervous about the things my mom randomly brought home from the grocery store. I was bad about making sure I was filling out my bubbles on my meal plan and I told Mary it was because I was a little self conscious about filling in my food with so many people around. Plus I wanted to try and eat “normally” like everyone else. I realize now that I wasn’t eating normally. I didn’t have any of the chips and dip or mac and cheese that my mom brought home. I didn’t have a single doughnut from Saturday until Monday as part of my breakfast (while the others my age scarfed a few down in the car ride home on Saturday) and I didn’t join in on having a milkshake when I drove Madelyne and Matt to Cook Out for a late night snack. Eduardo was in my head all weekend telling me I couldn’t do those certain things. And he was praising me when I fell short on my bubbles. I still ate, but I wasn’t eating for myself. I was comparing what I was eating or not eating to what others were doing. I do feel like I was eating normal, but after talking with Mary there were still a few ED thoughts that were lingering. She also said to me “I always tell people an eating disorder says what you are unable to say, so what do you think you couldn’t say?” I told her how I really just wanted to set an example of being healthy for those in my family who didn’t make the healthiest choices. I told her how (I think) it all started for me. Well, I was predisposed by having low self esteem. But it started when a professor showed us the film Forks over Knives and how I wanted to change my diet to be healthier to have a smaller chance of ever having serious health problems. I really wanted my parents to make changes, but they didn’t really so I tried making bets with them: I tried betting my dad that I could go longer without eating breads or processed foods than he could without having soda. I don’t think we ever made the bet, but I acted like we did. Then I became obsessed and it spiraled out of control. We then talked about how I needed to stop vicariously eating or not eating through others. Does that make sense? I told her I have been focusing my restrictive desires on my dad. If I see him go for a few pretzels or crackers in the pantry, or see him go back for another beer, I give him a stare down or a glare even though I don’t think he sees it. We both kind of laughed about that haha. So one of my goals is to stop doing that.

Once I was done at Mary’s I went to Whole Foods for a late lunch. I got fruit, veggies, a turkey sandwich, yogurt and a WhatsoNutso bar. I ate my lunch and read a book I brought with me until it was time for me to go to Lori’s.1-31

When I met with Lori we talked a lot about the weekend and everything that went on. I basically summed up some of the thoughts I was having and Lori helped me to identify the thoughts as negative, advice giving thoughts. I brought my journal that I have been writing my Morning Pages in so that we could discuss them. She asked me to look back through it to see if I had any thoughts that triggered me to have more of these ED thoughts. We discussed my breathing exercises and the different paths my thinking took before I was able to refocus my attention on my breathing. She helped me to come up with a strategy to help me when I am having those thoughts. My challenge for the week is to take a step back and take a breather around ten times a day so I can regroup and come back ready to live in the moment. During my breather I am to assess internal or external sensation that are non evaluative. I practiced by describing a table that was in the room. I wasn’t allowed to judge the table, but I had to describe it. Then I described two different sensations that I might feel when I am anxious or nervous. Lori also is challenging me with days where EVERYTHING I do is spontaneous. From the moment I wake up I am not supposed to plan what I wear, what I do, what I eat, etc. I just let it happen. I asked if I could “cheat” by writing down suggestions on slips of paper and then pulling them from a hat for the first day. I think I am going to have my parents help me come up with ideas because I feel like if I write down spontaneous things to do it will be “hop a plane to Australia” and then I will pull the “the paper told me to do it! I am just doing what I am supposed to do!” card. I don’t think that would work out well haha. So I had a good session with both Mary and Lori!

When I got home I had trail mix and crackers for my snack and then bubbled in today’s eats so I can get back on track.IMG_2386 I then did a little picking up in the kitchen. Now I am thinking I should probably get started on fixing something for dinner since it is already after 8:30!

BUSY Tuesday, Relaxed Wednesday

Good afternoon, friends! Sorry for not touching base sooner. Yesterday was a whirlwind of a day. Is it just me or is it that whenever a day goes by really quickly it also feels like that day happened a week ago? Yeah, that was yesterday.

Let me begin with the usual: I woke up and made myself breakfast as I worked on the crossword puzzle and sudoku. I made a big bowl of oatmeal (made with an egg) topped with berries, a clementine, and a chai latte.Image Once I finished up the puzzles I decided to slice the bars I made for my client. One of them turned out great while the other one crumbled on me. I fixed it by adding more dried dates and peanut butter. I stuck it back in the fridge to chill. I did a small amount of cleaning as well and then I realized I had to run a check out to the barn. I was cutting time a little close because I still had to get ready, pack all of the frozen meals, cut and package the revamped nut bars and throw my lunch together. So I ran out to the barn and had just enough time to do everything I needed to do and still leave on time to meet my client and have all three of my appointments (nutritionist, doctor and therapist).

My client was so excited about all of the meals! She mentioned she had a difficult week and she was really hoping that my service would help her. I was so happy to see the big smile on her face! I hope that everything I made reheats well. That is the only thing I am nervous about. I can’t wait to start planning and preparing the next week of meals!

Session With Mary

During my session we talked about some things to do with my client and then we moved on to talking about me. I feel like I did have much prepared to talk about so I kind of talked about how I love being healthy but a part of me still want to be skinnier. So we talked about ways to love yourself as you are, flaws and all. It is the flaws that make you who you are. Life would be so boring if everyone were exactly the same. She told me stories about how she would look at other people and wish that she had a perfect life like they seemed to live. Then she told me how those people lived a life far from perfect. Sure, a woman can be strikingly gorgeous, but she might be completely empty. She could spent hours on her hair and makeup and be thin and she would truly appear to be “perfect.” But that was all this woman could offer. Her personality was almost non-existant, she had no career, she had no energy, she had poor health and no life. Mary then told me another story about a family they knew who seemed to have everything: the fancy cars, the colossal house with a maid, all the gadgets you could want, etc. Then she told me that the family itself was in ruins. The parents got divorced, the daughter became dependent on alcohol, and their son lost a battle with cancer. She said that those things made her appreciate her life so much more and she told me that her life IS perfect just the way it is, and mine can be too. Sometimes we just need real life stories to convince us that our lives our exactly that; our lives. We must enjoy them and cherish them for what they are. Mary also did an activity with me that brought me back to my days of elementary school. She traced my body on a big sheet of paper and told me to write positive things about myself on it. I loved it haha! Our session had to wrap up because I had to go for my appointment with Dr. Chung.

Appointment with Dr. Chung

So I would say that my appointment with Dr. Chung went great! It was short and sweet like always. I basically told him what I’ve been up to since the last time we met and he checked my weight and blood pressure, breathing, heart and all that good stuff. He also briefly mentioned next time talking about the dosage of my medication since it is not a permanent thing. Bam, just like that I was heading out of the doc’s office. I don’t have to go back for another 6 weeks, yippee!

Since we had about an hour and a half to kill before my appointment with Lori we headed over to Whole Foods. I hadn’t eaten my lunch yet so I grabbed a table while my parents got their lunch (for my mom) and snack (for my dad). I packed myself a turkey sandwich, an apple, pretzels and greek yogurt.Image We ate and talked and relaxed a little before heading out the door.

Appointment with Lori

My appointment with Lori went well also. We talked a lot about what kind of thoughts I have and how often I have them. Then she also asked how often I act upon those thoughts and what values I have that keep me from acting on them. I talked a lot about how I have the thought to cut back on bubbles because I am unhappy and happy with my weight all at the same time. I have that thought very frequently, but because I don’t act on it she says I am really starting to understand what thoughts are healthy for me and wich ones are poisonous. Since a lot of my thoughts are advice giving thoughts (“you should do… in order to…”) or thoughts about what I need to do (making lists in my mind, trying to plan/organize) the majority of them fell under the “mushroom cloud” category, where one thought leads to the next which leads to the next. Then we talked about the thought I have about my future. I tried to explain my thoughts and categorize them as best as I could, but I don’t know if I did it all that well. We talked about school and how I felt when I asked my dad if he thought I should do a transfer application to NC State as backup. I told Lori how my initial reaction to his response, which was “well since you brought it up, yes,” was he doesn’t think I am good enough to get into UNC. Should I even try? Do I need to try harder? But then I was about to have the rational though of he just doesn’t want to see me out of options incase I don’t get accepted. He just wants to see me in school. Lori helped me to kind of analyze those thoughts some as well. I left with a few goals for the week a head of me. I think my number one goal is to just do better at doing my breathing and thinking exercises. I am aiming to do them 3-5 minutes 5 days a week. That should be doable!

Once I was done at Lori’s I had a Kind bar for a quick snack before I headed over to Josh’s house to meet him and Justin for dinner and a movie.Image We went to Elmo’s Diner and it was so crowded! 10% went to my mom’s school so it felt good to support her school. I ordered huevos rancheros and it was delicious!Image I always have a good time with those two. They are quiet the funny duo.

After dinner we went to go see That Awkward Moment.Image {source} It was hilarious! It was filled with “adult language and sexual situations” but honestly that is what made the movie haha. That and Zac Efron. Anyone else a fan of him?

After the movie I headed home and did a little relaxing before I fixed my snack. I had PB2 toast with banana slices, trail mix and a glass of milk.Image I watched Teen Wolf as I snacked and then I was off to bed!

Yesterday was a good day even though I was busy and my eating times were thrown off a little. My sessions went well and I had fun with the guys. Sounds like a success to me!

Relaxed Wednesday (so far)

This morning I woke up and repeated my breakfast from yesterday, except I had dark cherry tea instead of a chai latte.Image I worked on my puzzles and relaxed a little between laundry loads. At 11:30 I decided to go for my 30 minute run. It was a little dreary outside, but hey, sometimes you have to work with what you can get. I thought it was a good run even though my pace was kind of all over the place. Image

Since I was too busy yesterday to get my cross training in I think I will go to the PiYo class tomorrow. I love that class!

After my run I had chocolate milk and then got to work on more laundry and cleaning.Image Then I started typing up this blog before my cat rudely invited herself to be the center of my attention. She has gotten so bad about personal space! Aren’t cats supposed to like being left alone? Not this one apparently haha. Image

Well I am off to go make my lunch and do some more cleaning! I might do some sanding as well… we will see! I hope you are having a great Wednesday so far!

Novel Time

Good afternoon! I feel like I have so much to write about since my last post after yesterday’s breakfast. Brevity will be present so this post won’t feel like a novel!

Remember yesterday morning I mentioned how I was excited to go spend some time at the barn while the weather was still decent? That didn’t happen. I ended up taking my mom to Urgent Care because she really wasn’t feeling well. She had extreme dizziness so we decided it was better safe than sorry. She had been feeling dizzy for a few days but yesterday it was bad. I grabbed a spiced chai protein drink to have for my snack before I drove her to Roxboro. She was back there for a while, but her tests all came back relatively normal. We all, including her normal doctor, believe it to be a side effect of her dosage of prescribed medication. Booo, medication! I swear, medication can create more problems than you had to begin with! Not all the time, but that seems to be the case for my parents haha. My mom is doing much better today, so that is good.

When we got home from Urgent Care I fixed my lunch and ate it before I was off to my appointments! I fixed a pasta portion that I ate mixed with soup, a yogurt, trail mix and leftover buffalo turkey meatballs.ImageI will try and summarize my appointments as best as I can!

Appointment with Mary

My appointment with Mary was great, as usual 🙂 She is so optimistic and you just can’t help but be in a good mood when around her. We talked about my previous week and my hunger levels. After discussing the notes I wrote down reflecting on my emotions/hunger levels before and after eating as well as discussing a bunch of other random things, like my dad and how he has been doing, she helped me to come up with a list of goals for the week.

  • Letting go of control: Several times in my notes I wrote that I was comfortable with a meal because I cooked it. I need to work on being more comfortable if someone else makes dinner or if I don’t help. I feel like I have been practicing this – my mom has been cooking dinner for us some.
  • Let go of the uncertainty: I mentioned that I was more comfortable not knowing how to count food if it was in the evening. If I don’t know how to count my breakfast or lunch I tend to struggle the rest of the day. Mary told me that was a perfectionistic trait that I needed to let go of because it isn’t making my life easier.
  • Gradually relying less and less on my bubble sheet: this would be to practice fully listening to my body and it would further teach me that every day is not going to be the same.
  • Journaling and/or Morning Pages

Appointment with Lori

Another great appointment with Lori! We talked about my breathing exercises and about the places my mind wandered. She then told me about some other breathing exercises that I am to try. It was kind of an “information session” because a lot of it was spent on instructions for the breathing exercises. At the end we did spend a few minutes to discuss my thoughts on my future plans and she helped me to realistically prioritize them. Here are the breathing exercises if you care to give them a try as well:

  • Breathing exercise: focus on breathe. Notice thinking, label it as thinking and then refocus on breathe.
  • Thinking exercise: You can do the breathing exercise, but become curious about the type of thinking. “Advice giving” thoughts sway your thoughts or are past/future oriented. “Mushroom cloud” is when one thought leads to the next, which leads to the next and so on. It just keeps going and going. “Subtle thoughts” look neutral on the surface but a deeper exploration shows a different type of thought. “Neutral thoughts” are present moment thoughts often focused on the senses.
  • Feeling exercise: Focus is on just being. More feeling, less thinking. Pay attention to body sensations and the thoughts/emotions associated with those sensations.

I feel like I have lots to work on!

After my session with Lori I drove home. I ate my snack as I drove. I snapped a pic before my appointment with Lori because after the session it was dark out (and snowy). Image

When I got home I did some snuggling in bed with my mom until I got started on dinner. I made homemade ravioli using won ton wrappers! I followed the recipe that was on the inside of the label and it was delicious! It was easy to make but kind of time consuming because I was preparing it on my own. I ate mine with a few Triscuits. They were incredible and we all agreed that we would have them again. I had no idea egg roll and won ton wrappers were so versatile! Image

I relaxed the rest of the night before I fixed my snack and crashed. I had vanilla pudding with chocolate cereal and blueberries.Image

Today

This morning I woke up early (couldn’t sleep) and watched a little tv before I did my puzzles and got up to make my breakfast and check out the snow! I made a tri color pepper scramble, a chai latte and a bowl of my homemade granola with blueberries and banana slices. Mmmm!ImageImage After breakfast I decided it was time to take action! I wasn’t about to delay things any longer with UNC. I had no real plans for the day so I suggested going to the Y so I could get my run in and then going to Carolina to the Office of Undergraduate Admissions to ask a few questions. At the gym I got my 3 miles in, and guess what, I did it in under 30 minutes!Image If you are a super runner you can go ahead and laugh, but that is great for me haha. I was happy. Sweaty and tired, but happy 🙂 I got a quick shower and then we were off to Chapel Hill! I ate my snack on the way which was caramel crisps and trail mix.Image I was in and out of the office in no time. My questions were answered/clarified and I have things that I need to go ahead and get on! On the way home we stopped to get a few groceries at Trader Joe’s and then we stopped at Barnes and Nobel. My mom wanted to look for a certain book that they didn’t have but she ended up buying two books for her and I because we have an addiction. When we got home we made our lunches. I had tomato soup, grilled cheese, mini cheese cracker sandwiches, carrots, an apple and greek yogurt.Image

I was going to ride with Renee this afternoon, but it was way too cold! Muy frio. I feel bad for all my people up north. I know it’s much colder there! I think now I am going to go search for our heating pad…

In other news, I literally JUST got invited to go on a ski trip sometime in the next few weeks. That would be fun, right? The guys are planning it during the week so hopefully my schedule (and wallet) will let me go!

Ok, I’m outta here! Enjoy your evening!