I only have a few minutes to do a quick post before I have to head off to work!
My appointment with Mary was fantastic! We talked briefly about my new potential client and I am going to be so excited if I get to start cooking for her! I then told her my news (getting accepted to UNC) and she was so happy for me! I then told her about my last week, and I apologized that my detail food log was not so detailed haha. I have just been so busy that I haven’t been keeping up with it like I should have been, but then we discussed how great it was that I wasn’t being consumed by making everything perfect and having to know exactly what I was eating. Remember my bubble sheets? I would sit down and bubble in exactly what I was about to eat or had just eaten. And I let the bubbles kind of control what I ate. Now I have good mental judgement of what a good meal or snack should look like and I don’t need the bubbles. Plus, I am learning to listen to my hunger/fullness/satiety levels. There were a few suggestions Mary made to add a little something to a few of the meals I did record, but other than that she said I was doing great and it is a huge thing that I am not worried about recording everything I eat so I can know exactly what I fed my body. It feels so great to be at that point! Then Mary gave me a book to do some reading in. I accidentally left it in my car and I can’t remember the title off the top of my head, but I will share it will you soon!
A few pictures to sum of my meals/snacks during my long day at work.
This morning I was up very early. I think I am just beyond excited to be going to PA tomorrow! I drank my water as I worked on the crossword puzzle. Then I tried out a new workout app on my phone since I wanted to do a workout at home so I could take a relaxing shower and make a nice breakfast instead of going to the Y.
I only did one round of the ab exercises. I will have to work up to 3 haha!Whew! Good arm workout for me. I have weak little arms haha.
Now I am enjoying a nice breakfast (there’s oatmeal and granola somewhere under those berries) before I go to work. I will be at work all day and into the night since there is a game. I am going to pack for the weekend when I get home and then I will head off to the airport for my flight at 6:00 am! So this might be my last post until I return on Sunday. If so I hope you have a wonderful Easter weekend!
Today’s session with Mary was so great! I like how we talk about things that are completely unrelated to nutrition. I mean, the topics can always be applied someway to relate to a challenge that I have with food, but getting different perspectives on other aspects of life to try and achieve maximum happiness. We both get sidetracked easily during conversation, but that is what makes each session so much fun! We began by talking about her son’s jazz show he was doing tonight that she was attending. He plays the upright bass and had to compose music for everyone else playing tonight. That was interesting to talk about and I hope his show went well! Afterwards I began by talking about my past week. I told her that I pretty much worked all day every day but on Sunday I was able to go to the barn. She asked me what my plan was with Vinnie and I told her that I was thinking about the possibility of showing him again (since my mom and Renee discovered the secret to making horses calm at shows) but maybe just starting with open shows. It is just an idea at the moment. Mary then asked me to describe what showing was like. To me, showing is such a rush of so many emotions. There is excitement and adrenaline mixed with gut wrenching nerves. The feeling after you finish a class is worth all the sweat and tears you poured to get there. Putting yourself out there to be judged and coming out on the other side is such a big accomplishment and something to be proud of, whether or not you won first place or came in last. I always felt like I overcame my biggest fear when I was done with the class and it always made me want to turn right around and do it again. Overcoming fear is just exhilarating. We eventually started talking about the actual food part of my week, and I made a few goals:
Be more spontaneous at work: go out to lunch with people if they are going. Be aware of my inner response to the situation and how I feel from the moment it is presented through the time we are eating. Order something that sounds very good. Notice if I am scared of that food. All of these will help me to bond socially with people.
Time my meals better while I am at work. Food is not a reward – don’t delay lunch or snack until I am finished with a task. If I am hungry I need to take my break and eat. Even if I am worrying about my task while I am eating, it is still important not to put off nourishing my body, not all eating opportunities are going to be relaxing.
When we talked about social bonding Mary shared a story with me from her weekend at her beach art retreat. She was reading on a bridge because it was just the perfect spot. A woman walked by and said she was searching for a place to read. The woman eventually came back and said that the bridge was the perfect place to read. Mary told her she was about to go have dinner so she could take her spot on the bridge. Well, Mary said her and the woman ended up talking for a while. The woman just really needed to talk about a problem she was having. People aren’t meant to hold everything in and sometimes you just have to say words out loud to realize what needs to be done. Mary of course told the story with much more detail and eloquence, but that was the gist of it. I said it was wonderful how she acted as a human canvas for this woman. She just needed to express everything in her mind and she did so by using Mary as a vessel to hold on to everything that flowed out.
At the end of the session I told her how I was starting to get nervous about my school situation. I should hear back from UNC in about a week and I will hear from State mid-May. She gave me wonderful advice: breath. The right school will happen. I can’t control everything and I should just ket the universe take care of it. The universe will put me in the right place. What ever happens will be the best thing to occur and something wonderful will come from it. Let go and life happens. Sometimes if you try and control things too much, they end up going out of control or pushing away. That was wonderful advice and of course she had a terrific story to go along with the advice. Mary’s stories are the best! She is just amazing. She is like the super nutritionist!
After that appointment I headed home, making a quick stop to get a USB memory stick. I heated up leftovers for lunch and threw an apple in as a side.
I worked on transferring pictures to the memory stick before I headed to the barn to hangout with Vinnie! I had a great time grooming and then sitting on the fence watching him. Soooo relaxing 🙂
When I got back home I started cleaning and reorganizing my room. I had to scrape paint up off the floor before I vacuumed and rearranged. I took a break during my room project to have pretzels and greek yogurt.
My mom made dinner tonight: turkey burgers, roasted brussels and zucchini. I just had the brussels and then had an addition of a small sweet potato.
Now I am watching this intense Pirates game! Hope you had a good day!
I have literally spent my entire day at work. Yesterday, too, when I wasn’t at my appointments. Last night I got home and had dinner at 11:30 so I was just way too tired to do my daily post. Tonight I was able to leave earlier so I am taking advantage to do a reallllyyy quick update before I have snack and go to bed. I NEED TO SLEEP. Tomorrow is opening day at the ballpark and we still have like a week worth of things that need to be done, so I am going to be going in really early and I will be there till the last person leaves, so more than likely there will be no post tomorrow either. So… Where to begin?
I woke up early to go to the Y with my mom before clocking in at 8. I followed my mom’s lead and did a 40 minute strength training workout. It was a good one. I felt the burn as I did the exercises but it didn’t make me sore. Before the Y I had a banana and after the Y for my morning snack I had overnight oatmeal made with strawberry Greek yogurt. I worked on personalizations for online orders all morning before I went to my appointment with Mary. My session went really well! I have my goals made and we talked about creativity and how to differentiate between different types of satiety. It is also my goal to be more spontaneous when I am at work. I have been coming up with excuses to not partake in the eating activities that others do. A lot of people go grab a quick bite out and I haven’t felt comfortable doing that, which makes me wait till I get home to eat dinner and I end up eating too late and going too long in between meals and snacks.
After that I met my mom at Whole Foods for lunch. I had a rice, veggie and egg mixture, mixed fruit and greek yogurt. After sitting and talking with my mom for a while I ran to the bank before heading over to my appointment with Lori. I can’t believe that yesterday was my last appointment with Lori. I am really going to miss working with her. We briefly talked about my homework from the past week before we reflected on what I have learned over the past year. We also discussed techniques that really worked for me so that I can use them in the future. It was a good way to wrap up our time together.
After my session I had a new bar for my snack. Then I went back to work! I worked until 10:40. I am so glad it was fun though!
When I made it home I reheated what was left from my parent’s dinner. I threw the chicken on sliced bread with a wedge of white cheddar laughing cow. There was also some really tasty baked zucchini and yellow squash. Then as my immediate bedtime snack I had some berries, trail mix and milk.
This morning I was up early to get ready for work. I got ready and then packed my lunch before having a quick banana and greek yogurt. Mid morning I had my almond butter sandwich.
I worked all day at folding t shirts. I did a few other things, but this was a task that felt never ending. For lunch I had leftover pork stuffing, cauliflower, an apple and pretzels. I was feeling very stressed out because the t shirt tables weren’t getting done as quickly as I was hoping. After 2 my boss basically ordered me to go eat my lunch and relax for a minute. I was also getting stressed out because there were so many new people who came in to work during the afternoon and I felt like I had to keep telling them what to do which took up time for what ever I was working on. Either that or they would come over and try to work with me on what I was working on while there were other things that needed to be done. I dealt with it though. I was new once too haha. Time flew by and I ended up having my snack later than normal. I had another new bar which was surprisingly good. My stress level thankfully decreased over the night. I am so happy to have Casey back at work. She really brings the fun haha. She is also really thoughtful. She runs a lot and so we were talking about a half marathon and she was saying how she didn’t want me to become obsessive about it. She also checks to make sure I have eaten my lunch or snack. She is also hilarious so she is just a really good friend to have at work. There are some other really good people who work there who make the time really enjoyable!
As I drove home I ate some veggies and a turkey sandwich from Whole Foods. My mom was nice enough to drop me off some food for dinner so I wasn’t waiting until I got home to eat. She is so nice!
Alright, I am calling it a night! Wish me luck for the busy day tomorrow!
I love my Tuesdays. Mostly because I always have such good sessions with Mary and Lori! Today felt extra special though because I got to relax when I woke up before fixing my breakfast. It had been a while since I had my usual oatmeal, scramble and chai latte so I whipped that up for myself. After breakfast I cleaned the kitchen as much as I could before I put together all of the things I needed for my client and for my appointments.
I was so sad that this was the last drop off for my client. I have learned so much from this experience and I am really really wanting to make a business out of it.
Session with Mary
My session with Mary was wonderful! She started off by sharing a few thoughts she had for my business, including how to go about getting a business license and making sure I am following all the necessary regulations. Next we talked about my last week. I shared what I had been up to and how my eating went. I shared my detailed food log as well. I told her about the yoga class I took on Saturday. I realized that I was comparing myself to other women in the class and I was letting that impact my happiness and my eating later that day. Mary pulled out some pens and I began an exercise where I wrote down good things about my current body. I found it to be very helpful and I feel like I could easily remind myself of those positive qualities (strength, energy, consciousness, happiness, health) when I notice my mind going into comparison mode. After looking at my food log Mary suggested that I move my bedtime snack so that I am having two snacks between lunch and dinner because we have been having dinner so late. Mary then printed me out a page that had information about mindful eating. We read through the whole thing and discussed it. It talked a lot about fullness vs. satiety and how mindful eating focuses on feeling satisfied rather than just full. The difference is that satiety includes many emotions and senses that are involved in the process of eating. Can’t wait to work on that this upcoming week! Then we talked all about a few random things before I gave her the samples of the food I made my client. I always love my time there!
I met my mom at Whole Foods when I was done at Mary’s so we could get some lunch. I had turkey sausage with peppers and onions, brown rice, broccoli and kale along with some fruit and a greek yogurt. Yum!
I had some time to kill before my appointment with Lori so we went to Morgan Imports and I found a shirt that I just had to get. Only people from Durham will understand this shirt. Bull City!
Appointment with Lori
Lori asked me to begin by talking about the last week and how my thoughts on what I have to offer in a relationship have changed. I told her that my thoughts hadn’t changed that much, but that I realized I have all of my personal experiences, thoughts and opinions to offer. Those things are unique to me and it is something only I can bring to a relationship. Lori then pushed me to think about first dates and how I think I would feel and how I think the guy would feel. All I could really say was I would be a nervous wreck because I feel like there is so much pressure to make a good impression and that perhaps that is the reason why I fear dating. Body language/posture was another topic of discussion. She asked me to describe what my posture would be like when I was willing to be open and what it would be like if I was feeling vulnerable or ashamed. That was very interesting to me and I am going have to work on paying attention to my posture and how it reflects what I am feeling. She took a different approach to a perspective about dating because I mentioned how I felt like maybe I just have too many standards and they are unrealistic. She asked me about Vinnie and what I was looking for when I was first looking for a horse. Then she asked what drew me to Vinnie. I told her how I thought he would be a good horse because his ad pictured him being shown, he was in our price range, he was trained hunt seat, he was located close to the area, he seemed like a horse that would be a small project because he hadn’t been shown that much. Then when I saw him for the first time in person I was immediately sold. He looked right at me and I fell in love. After some time of owning him, I realized he was flawed. He was high strung and every single ride was a risk. I was in tears within hours of arriving at every single show because I was so frustrated that he was out of control. At home I couldn’t get him to do any type of work. I couldn’t even go down the road for a trail ride without putting my life at risk. I still loved him through all of those struggles. I just worked so hard to achieve perfection and I never reached it with him. Now, I am having the time of my life with Vinnie. I have let go of all my expectations and I am riding and spending time with him to experience pure joy. It is like I got happiness from not trying to make Vinnie something he isn’t and accepting him for what he is. And we couldn’t be more compatible! Lori connected that to dating and to my eating disorder. I was miserable when I was trying to make my body perfect. I had so many expectations and standards for myself. After letting go of those unhealthy habits I was able to really enjoy my life and myself. As for dating, she connected it to the challenge of having standards but being able to look past them to see what lies beneath. It is when we stop trying to make situations something they aren’t that we are able to make real connections with people. I hope all that made sense. I feel like I just had so much mumble jumble going on in my head and I tried to get it all out at once. Hope you understood all that!
On my way home I had a blueberry muffin Larabar. When I got home I repaired some necklaced that broke before I was joined by my mom. We cooked dinner together and it was delicious! Pasta with a homemade tomato “sauce” and turkey feta meatballs. It was fabulous!
After dinner I got my things prepped for tomorrow. I put together my breakfast and packed my lunch and snacks. I am going to be up early to go to the gym before going to work so I am off to have a quick snack before bed! Hope you had a good day!
This morning I tried to sleep in as much as I could before I got up to get my day started. I multi tasked and cooked my breakfast as I got ready for my appointment with Mary as well as work. I made basically an identical breakfast to yesterday’s.
I grabbed my things and then I was off to my meeting with Mary! Our time began with her telling me all about her time in New Orleans. It sounded like she had such an amazing time there! She gave me a Praline that she made at a culinary class she took and it was delicious. She then told me about the areas she toured and how she wore a costume on St. Patricks day. I think it sounded like a marvelous place and I definitely wouldn’t turn down the opportunity to travel there! When we started discussing how my week went I handed her the detailed food log I made that also kept track of my hunger and fullness levels as well as the times of my meals and snacks. We were really able to go into a lot of depth, mostly because of the notes I made for each day as well, describing times when I felt like I was listening to eating disorder type thoughts. We also talked about a big thing that I need to break. I have been waiting until sometimes 5:30 to have my snack. The was a rule that somehow was enforced that I couldn’t eat my snack before 5 even if I was hungry. So that is a big goal of mine to break that. We talked about several other things before I summarized how things have been going with Lori. Mary had some great input as well on the whole dating subject as well as hiding in an eating disorder to avoid the things we fear. Before I left we spent a few minutes discussing good ideas for a name for my personal chef business. She is full of such knowledge! Great session! Here are all of my goals for the week:
When eating out, don’t fear the amount of carbs, fat, protein in the food, but instead focus on my level of hunger. How hungry am I feeling? What do I feel like eating? How full do I want to feel after I eat? Approach those questions with honesty and curiosity.
Eat a meal at the Whole Foods HOT BAR, not the salad bar.
Let go of fear!!!!
Don’t delay my snacks: eat when I am hungry. NO MORE OF THE AFTER 5 RULE
Eat enough at each meal so I am not eating bigger snacks and skimping on the next meal as a result
Keep up with my detailed food log. Circle areas where I am feeling too hungry or too full and try and make sense of it
After my appointment was over with Mary I headed over to the Bulls for work. There wasn’t much actual work that we could do, but over the course of the work day we did two interviews, tagged a few boxes of shirts, moved a few boxes out of the way of accounting’s files, and worked on online orders. After the first interview we took a break to have our lunches. I packed a turkey sandwich, carrots and an apple.
It was a good day at work, but a stressful one because opening day is getting closer and closer and we are anticipating the move back into the stadium. Of course, everything is up in the air about the day we can start moving things so we are stressing about when the right time will be to pack everything up from the temporary location. It is just hectic.
When I got home I got changed into lazy clothes and then had my snack. I had pretzels, Greek yogurt and the rest of the Praline Mary gave me.
Now I am just relaxing on the couch, but I will probably go help my mom with dinner soon. I really need to get to bed at a decent hour tonight! Tomorrow morning my mom and I are getting up early to go to the Y before we both go to work! I am hoping tomorrow is warmer and sunny. This cold rainy business needs to be over! Hope you had a good day!
I am going to try out something new. I am going to share pictures of what I worked on with Mary and Lori. Most of the pictures are from my session with Lori. Mary and I usually do more talking and story telling to get our messages across, but I do write down my goals and quotes throughout the session. So I will let the pictures do most of the talking, mostly because I am feeling tired from my very late night last night and early morning. And Madelyne and Matt are here and I want to enjoy their company!!!
Session with Mary
We talked all about my past week and how things went for me with the power outage and listening to my hunger/fullness levels. There were many other things that we talked about as well, such as a few things that people mindlessly said and that I felt bothered me. Then we also brainstormed ideas about expanding my personal chef job! It was a wonderful meeting 🙂
Session with Lori
1. I talked as Lori wrote down the things that I felt that restriction gave me and then what healthy eating gave me. 2. Thoughts on the right are ED thoughts and the thoughts on the left are my values that keep me on track. 3. The green writing is a list of all my body concerns and thoughts about my body image, as well as advice to eat less or exercise more. The words in the box are what I feel like I would gain if I listened to that advice. 4. This is a list of things that I can think about to make myself happy and get all of those things from the previous box without listening to the advice. 5. Random quote Lori and I talked about. 6. Goals/ Homework for the week: make a list of each of the topics in black writing. I am feeling good about these assignments!
My mom made a delicious dinner of mashed potatoes, roasted veggies and pork tenderloin while Madelyne, Matt, my dad and I worked on sorting one of his client’s receipts! Now I am ready to relax and get some rest!
Yesterday was an interesting day for me… I had good sessions with Mary and Lori but for some reason I was still in “blah” mode. I think I was just being really hard on myself and letting those negative self image issues control my happiness. So let me share my goals from each of my appointments.
Goals made with Mary
Add variety to my snacks (stray from my “safe” trail mix and nut butter sandwiches
Work on Mindful Eating: break the need to play sudoku or have another distraction while eating
Challenge myself to make my days different. Some days I can have more fats and proteins and less carbs, or the other way around
Make detailed notes on my hunger/fullness levels and take note of where I made changes to my amount of exchanges for fat, protein, carbs. Adjust my portions accordingly to my hunger/fullness levels
Read more from Mindfully Eating
Goals made with Lori
Some of these goals feel super random, but she is helping me to figure out what I want for myself in life
Create space for feeling my emotions. I might start doing Evening Pages where I focus on my emotions instead of just writing about random things like I do in my Morning Pages
Do my “feeling” meditations where I focus on sensations I am feeling
Make a “Personal ad” as if I were making a dating page so I can realize what I would have to offer in a relationship.
Make a note of what my ideal dating situation would look like
Before going to sleep last night my dad confronted me and asked why I was in a bad mood. I told him that there was no reason, I was just feeling very… blah. He asked me why I was feeling that way and I kept saying over and over that I didn’t know why. Then after more questioning I had a huge breakdown. I must have been holding it in for a while because there were so many waterworks. I told him that I was just really unhappy with myself. I feel like I should just be ashamed of the weight I have restored. I don’t know why I can’t just be happy and ways to improve myself are constantly crossing my mind. My dad talked to me for a while about how I have no reason to be unhappy, I look great and healthy. It was just a really difficult conversation for me because I really don’t like talking about those feelings. My dad really emphasized the importance of me sharing those feelings with him and my mom whenever I am experiencing them. So I am going to try my best to communicate what is going on inside.
This morning I woke up earlier than I would have liked, but I did some relaxing before I fixed my breakfast and quickly got ready for work. I made myself a green pepper and spinach scramble, oatmeal with berries, chia seeds and walnuts and a chai latte. For lunch I packed soup, carrots, an apple and a yogurt. For my snack I brought a Kind bar. Today I worked I helped tag an insane amount of novelty items for the store. That was pretty much all I did today haha. When I came home I went right to the couch to relax. I think I was just really tired. I think I actually woke up tired.
For dinner we just fixed our go-to cuisine: Mexican. We already had all the ingredients! I made chicken and cheese chimis and a mexican salad. Plus a glass of milk because that salsa was muy caliente!
I wanted to prime my bedroom, but relaxing sounded better to me this evening. Tomorrow morning I am getting up early to go to the Y with my mom and then I am meeting Margaret for a coffee/chai before I go into work. So since my morning is going to be busy I think I am going to go make ahead my breakfast and lunch for tomorrow and then get a snack in before I call it a night. Hope you had a good day!