Do you ever fear blending in? I have always thought that I was more comfortable just blending in, going unnoticed. This remains true, but there is a part of me that has always wanted to stand out and be recognized as a unique individual. Perhaps that is where my eating disorder came in. I never thought there was anything particularly special about me. I don’t have any breathtaking features and while being talented in many different things, there never seemed to be one thing I excelled at. Until Eduardo came along. In Eduardo’s eyes I was gorgeous and better yet, I was special in that I restricted my eating better than anyone else. I know what you are thinking, Beth you are supposed to be past all of this. Don’t worry, I am. Today I was just thinking how I used to always have to try and do everything perfectly, or I beat myself up. I wanted so badly to stand out and be like no one else, but I was always too scared to do anything to make that happen – I was too shy to let others see my true personality and I was never one to fix my hair and makeup every single day. I was gifted academically, but I was never the top of the glass. I was good at volleyball and with horses, but I never got the prize. Eduardo told me that restricting would grant me that feeling I was looking for. I then proceeded to realize that all of those things I strived to achieve were meaningless in the bigger picture. I started to look at the big picture of life. Why does anyone need to be perfect? If we are happy with who we are then we are able to share our true qualities with those we care about. Accepting yourself is the first step. I would say I am here right now. I think the next step is to find something I would like to pursue and that would still give me joy. I would like to stand out by being myself – not a person someone else (or Eduardo) wants me to be.
Today’s E’s and A’s
Snack #3 is yet to happen haha. I would say everything I ate today was great and I would repeat it all.
This morning I woke up and started on my breakfast. I worked on my puzzles while I ate. Once I was finished I made a small list of some things I needed to do around the house. I did dishes, laundry, cleaned the stove top, vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen floor. It felt to do some chores (I know, I know, what 20 year old in their right mind would ever say that?). I had my snack and then jumped in the shower to get ready for some errand running. Before leaving the house I put together my lunch to take with me just in case I wasn’t back home in time for lunch. I then started by going to CVS to pick up my mom’s prescription. My next stop was at the bank! Yay money! Then I was off to Michaels and blew all the money I deposited haha. It is so easy to get carried away in there! I got so much good stuff though. I can’t wait to create everything I have in mind. Since I spent so much time in Michaels I decided to eat my carrots and apple on my way back home. Both of those things tasted extra delicious today for some reason. Later I started one of my new projects… details to come! I did some relaxing as well.
Tomorrow is the big day! I have my appointment with Dr. Chung and I am so ready to get the green light to start physical activity. If I can do my 8 week training plan for the Krispy Kreme Challenge then I need to be able to start at the beginning of next week! So tomorrow will be the moment of truth. Will all of my hard work pay off? That answer can’t get here soon enough!