Hello, hello peeps!
I am reporting to you from the lobby where we meet with Lori. I am hanging around to do my daily post before I meet Margaret for dinner!
Before I do my E’s and A’s (eats and activities) I wanted to write about all of the things we discussed at my sessions with Mary and Lori while it is still fresh in my memory.
Nutrition Appointment With Mary
This session was a little shorter than normal just because of our schedules, but it was a good one none the less. I did a quick summary of how my last week went and talked about my social/food outing on Saturday. Mary also talked with us about our plans for Thanksgiving and how we were going to handle the uncertainty of our eating activities. She highlighted the importance of not skipping any meals and said that I shouldn’t be concerned with my bubbles for that day but to really make sure that I still get enough. So that was very reassuring to kind of talk through how to handle Thanksgiving. We talked more about ways to do some exchanges since every day isn’t going to be exactly the same. I asked a question about counting proteins in things like my bagels. For example, 7 grams of protein counts as a protein bubble. If I ate a bagel that had 8 grams, I asked if I was doing the right thing by filling in a a bubble for it. Turns out I am not supposed to since carbohydrates exist with protein (I don’t know how to explain it any way else haha). So I am not supposed to count the protein content in things like breads and pastas unless it is something that has been fortified to contain extra protein (like Kashi with extra protein). So that is good to know because I felt like I was constantly running out of protein bubbles without eating a lot of meat, eggs, and cheeses. Glad I asked about that! With the new and correct way of doing my bubbles I will reach my goals that much faster! Yippee! Mary was also super awesome and made me a batch of season pumpkin seeds (the same recipe I tried to make but burned beyond recognition) and they are delicious! I can’t wait to add them to some different recipes! Just before I left Mary’s I gave her a list of ideas about my future that sounded appealing or interesting to me. So next week we will be able to discuss more about that!
Appointment With Lori
Today’s appointment ended up being very revealing. It started off normally, with a quick summary of the past week. I talked about my amazing progress with being social and how I really pushed myself by going to the Duke football game on Saturday and then going out to eat afterwards. I found myself talking about how while I at Don Cecilios I felt like I had to behave like I had an eating disorder. Josh has been aware of my situation for a while, but I felt like I had to restrict because I needed to keep that identity. I talked about how having that identity was something that was comforting because it proved to myself that I could have control. While I didn’t let Eduardo take complete control, I did let him creep in and whisper to me that in order to have an identity at all I had to leave some food on my plate. We discussed control and perfectionism and how perfectionism can sometimes be a positive distracted when it is focused on something not related to food or to myself. For example, maybe I can distract myself from negative thoughts by focusing on doing my best on a project. Another thing I mentioned involving my little identity crisis was that I feel like I can no longer be labeled as having an eating disorder because I feel like I am now eating a substantial amount, and by not having that label I no longer feel that I am “special” because of the comfort I got from the control. But if I am still having those thoughts then it shows that I am still fighting this battle. I am just on the winning side now since I am standing up for my life! My parents also had the chance to express their thoughts about the things I mentioned and it felt good to know what page everyone was on. Before the session ended I put situations to respective numbers on my social hierarchy. Going on a date with a guy I have a massive crush on would definitely be a 10. A 1 would be staying at home with the company of my cat. I give you permission to go ahead and laugh. A 4 would probably involve doing something active with friends, for example hiking. A calming activity but the addition of friends would get my anxiety going just a little. A 6/7 would be hanging out with friends, like at one of our houses or something. 8 would be initiating plans/doing other activities with friends, like the football game I went to. A nine would be going to a party or going dancing with friends. Those were all for non food related social situations. So my goal for the next week is to challenge myself with an 8 on the food anxiety scale at least once a day and the two of those days I need to challenge myself with an 8 on my social anxiety scale. Wish me luck!
Now for my E’s & A’s
Eats:
Kraft Recipe Makers Chicken Bruschetta Pasta. GO MAKE THIS NOW. 
Chocolate chip pumpkin muffin, two Butterfinger minis and a glass of milk.
Two egg omelet with spinach and cheese, a chocolate cranberry roll with strawberry cream cheese and a chai tea latte. My best one yet!
Apple cinnamon oatmeal with pomegranate seeds. 
Progresso Beef Pot Roast soup, an apple, glass of milk and TJ’s brownie bites. My snack between Mary and Lori was a Luna bar and some of the pumpkin seeds. 
This morning after I did a few chores and ate my snack I headed out to the barn to try out my new technique for lunging in the bridle! Inner side 
Outer side 
He looks so weird without a cavesson. I forgot an old one of mine at home. Next time I will remember it. It is hard to say if this technique was truly successful. I like it a lot and it felt like I was trying to pull the bit out of one side of his mouth. I take that back, I would say it was successful. It really distributed pressure across the entire bit. Vinnie was just being weird today and the far end of the arena was terrifying for some reason. I started him at the other end and gradually worked towards the scary part, but he never got completely comfortable with it. Otherwise he was very good with this new lunging tip Lena gave me 🙂
The rest of my time at home was spent internet surfing. I know, so productive of me. But now I am off to meet Margaret!
crum on a plate 
Glad to read of your insights! So where is bowling on your social list? You might want to explore that issue a little bit more since everyone has social activities that are more comfortable than others. For me dancing would be like a 15! So maybe you could make a list of things you really like to do that don’t cause a huge amount of stress and then invite people to do that with you (which we know will cause some stress because you are taking the initiative.) And on a side note: Get your dad to spring for some Duke Bowl tickets because it looks like they will be going somewhere warm around the holidays!
I didn’t think about bowling. That could be a good one! I will start compiling a list of activities. Now a Duke Bowl game some place warm would be killer!
Yeah it would so start laying the groundwork NOW! Makes an awesome Christmas present and of course ya gotta get the sister a ticket too…quality family bonding. Get that RV gassed up..its only a matter of a few weeks before they announce the pairings.
That would be a great family trip!
carbohydrates exist with protein – Ohhhhh. Thanks for bringing this up! It’s something that’s confused me. I remember getting confused in a nutritionist app because I didn’t understand why a serving of nuts couldn’t count as fats AND protein, for instance. It makes sense that there are different TYPES of protein.
I felt like I had to restrict because I needed to keep that identity. – This is really interesting. Thank you so much for opening up and sharing, as it allows me to feel more connected and understood. I have a hard time eating food outside my norm in front of people and not making a big deal out of it. I HAVE to announce, “Oh my God, I ate a croissant and it was SO GOOD, and I’m really glad I ate it,” rather than just eating it and enjoying like a normal person who doesn’t need the validation from others that it’s okay to do so. And what’s great is that, day after day, I realize more and more that most people really DON’T care what I’m eating and don’t judge me based on it.
I wish you lots and LOTS of luck on your social and food anxiety challenges. You’re a strong, motivated, candid, intelligent, and beautiful woman, and I know you’ll do wonderfully! 🙂
Yes! It is sometimes so confusing on how you should be counting certain fats, proteins, and carbs. It has definitely gotten a lot easier to understand though.
It sounds like you really understand the struggles of eating outside of your comfort zone in front of others. You phrased it so beautifully about how we long for validation and that day after day we become more accepting and realize we aren’t being judged. Perhaps we have just been harshly judging ourselves and we are learning how to love ourselves? Anyways, I think I might save that to my computer as a reminder for whenever I need some courage to tackle a food/social challenge.
Thank you so, so much! I wish you the best of luck as well! And I am totally going to “re-gift” all those compliments back to you haha! You are an amazing woman! 🙂