Tomorrow my parents and I will be taking off in the RV to go to Chattanooga to visit my sister! I am so excited to see her and her new place! Yippee!
Today was a busy day for me. It just felt like one thing after the other. After breakfast (quiche, toast w/jam, tea) I felt like I could have gone right back to sleep. I ended up being lazy for the rest of the early morning. That felt nice and I wish I could have done that all day long. I eventually got myself off my lazy behind and got out to the barn. I took a snack of trail mix and Cheerios with me and munched on it slowly through my time at the barn. Vinnie was excellent today! I worked on changing up his routine. Instead of doing the same old ‘walk, trot, canter, switch directions, repeat’ I had him doing many transitions between the trot and canter. Second direction I worked on trying to get him to pick up the canter from the walk. It took some effort on his part, but eventually he got it close enough to where I counted it as a a successful transition. I will just have to keep working on it with him. It was good for him though because it kept his concentration on me and what I was asking him to do, so he couldn’t do any of his tricks, like cut in on his circle or randomly decide to switch directions. But to be fair, I did concentrate on either staying in line with or behind his shoulder so that he wouldn’t turn on a dime. So I had a good time working Vinnie and his noggin. Do you think I wore him out? I had about half my trail mix left when my dad called me and told me he was on his way home and then we would go out for lunch before my doctors appointment. It was about 11:45. It crossed my mind not to finish the trail mix and Cheerios, but I told Eduardo that cutting my snack short was not an option, if it was close to lunch time! Take that!
I came home and got ready for lunch and my appointments. Northern Durham options are limited to basically fast food for lunch. I suggested Quiznos so we could just grab a sandwich. I was bummed to find out that Quiznos closed down. Oh well. We went to Chick-fil-A instead. I just ordered the grilled chicken cool wrap and I ended up stealing two of my dad’s fries. I don’t know about you, but I don’t really like their fries. I don’t know why I went back for the second one. My wrap was good though. Then my dad and I went to pick up the camera since we still had 30 minutes before my appointment with Dr. Chung. I was so happy to have the camera back! Tomorrow I will be back to taking pictures with it. I also got a filter put on it so that the lens won’t get scratched again 🙂 The guy at the camera store told us a joke about Rickey Henderson and then my dad and I were talking about him because I wasn’t familiar with him. I know, I am a terrible baseball fan. Now I know though. Apparently, Rickey wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. I looked up Rickey Henderson quotes on my phone and my dad and I laughed about them while we waited in the waiting room for my appointment. I only spoke with Dr. Chung for a combined total of about a minute haha. One of his residents did most of my routine check up stuff today. That mostly involves talking about how things are going though. It was so funny, she went on and assumed one of my questions would be “when can I start riding my horse?” I just laughed and said that I wouldn’t mind having an answer to that, but that I was fine with the vague “soon” answer that they like to use. We also talked about my inability to sleep for a full night. I wake up throughout the night and then I am awake at 6 for good, no matter how late I go to sleep. She informed me that sleep problems can be associated with anxiety, and I think that is where it all stems from. For as long as I can remember I have always woken up throughout the night with my mind racing about so many things. I guess all I can do is try and find ways to calm my mind so I can catch a few more Z’s.
My appointment with Mary was next. I would say that it went well. We looked over my bubbles and I showed her my new binder filled that has all of my recovery papers organized. Then we talked about how I try and do everything perfectly and how it is better to just stop trying. She said she had a good workshop book that she was going to loan me so I would work on a few exercises to realize why I have the need to try and do everything perfectly. We also talked a lot about my fears and how my parents fear leaning in on me. The expressed how they are scared if they tell me to eat more then I will not eat at all. It is helpful to know this because now I understand why they don’t say anything to me when it was there homework/goal to try and voice their thoughts. Mary said she understood why they would fear that. We also talked a lot about what Eduardo tells me when I am in the process of fixing my plate or eating. She told me that every time I let that voice in, and I did something that Eduardo approved of, I was letting him become stronger. The only way I can get rid of Eduardo is to practice ignoring him and eventually he won’t be there, at least not nearly as often. After my session with Mary my mom and I ran to Whole Foods and I picked up some things for snack and then a few things I saw that I thought would be good to pack for Chattanooga. Snack was yogurt and some peanut butter dark chocolate bar, which was pretty darn tasty.
Fear was another big topic with Lori as well. My dad really expressed his frustration with his fear of telling me to add more to my plate. He is scared that if he fixes my plate, with his definition of appropriate amounts, I will freak out and not eat it. He is also worried that if he fixes my plate, with small portions so that I am comfortable (and with the hopes that I will go back for seconds), I will finish my plate but say that I am full. He is also frustrated that he feels like he has to lean in, because he really doesn’t want to. He doesn’t think he should have to. If this weren’t the situation I would be taking care of myself right now. And he wants me to fix my own plate with appropriate proportions because him and my mom won’t always be there to help me. I got a really good sense of how difficult this is for my parents. I instantly felt like I needed to find my own place so I could take care of myself and show them that I could do it without their help and that they would have no reason to worry about me or feel everything that they are feeling. I just wish I didn’t have to make things so difficult for them. Which is something else we talked about. I just don’t want to cause any added complications when it comes to food because I know things are complicated enough already. So I do my best to suck it up and act ok, even if I am really uncomfortable with something. Now this makes it sound like I am going through recovery for them and not myself. Sometimes I feel like I have to do everything to please them. I mean, I definitely don’t want to let them down or anything like that, but I want to feel as if I am doing this for me. I did say sometimes though. There are times when I feel like I am doing it all for me, such as when I am spending time with Vinnie and all I can think about is how ready I am to get back up that horse. Or when I think about all the other things I used to enjoy. We discussed a few other things but we didn’t get around to talking about one thing that I was hoping to bring up. I wanted to talk about how it seems unrealistic to me to set goals for the family where we all have a discussion about whatever the assigned topic was. I feel like we just don’t talk about things like that. It is unnatural for us to get into deep conversations about our feelings and thought processes when we are outside of therapy. It is like my parents are just so on edge already when they think about telling me their thoughts, and I honestly just don’t know how well I would receive them. So I am going to do the exercises in the book Mary gave me and I am going to push myself to really work on filling up all of my bubbles on my own so that my parents don’t have to fear leaning in (because hopefully they won’t have to lean in).
I am not really sure how this post came off sounding, but I feel so much better expressing my thoughts and right now that is what matters! Maybe this will put a smile on your face? My dad found where they keep the people with ADHD…I thought it was funny, but maybe it is a little cheesy haha.
I hope everyone had a great day today 🙂