Gahh, I wish I had the mentality today that I had last night. Fear was with me since I first woke up. Eduardo was sitting on my shoulder all day telling me to restrict my calories and keep a tab on how many calories I was consuming. Of course my mind was consumed with the thoughts about food. I woke up and got ready to go to my mom’s school with her. We took our breakfast of raspberry vanilla overnight oatmeal with us which we ate a little later than normal. My mom told me I had to have something with it, so with Eduardo controlling me I went for something that I knew was low calorie. I made a smoothie with almond milk, blueberries and half a frozen banana. It was a safe food for me so it made it a little easier since I was struggling.
When I was done with my breakfast I helped out around the school. I cleaned the display/trophy cases in the lobby and then I helped Amber make sure she had class rosters figured out. I think I spent most of the time on my phone though. My snack was Quaker caramel corn mini crisps. I will admit that on my phone, the majority of the time I was searching for places to have lunch and checking out menus. I was clearly obsessing. I just wanted to find a fun new place to try. Of course now I realize I can’t have fun with eating if I am constantly worrying about it and trying to control every meal and ingredient. It is so hard to find a balance; when I plan I am comfortable and prepared, yet I am consumed with never ending thoughts that are assessing the food. I want to be able to be fun and spontaneous with my food and not care. On the way to lunch I told my mom I don’t know why I fear food. I really wish I didn’t. We went to Brueggar’s because it was quick and easy and my mom wanted to get back to work. It took me longer to decide on what to get, but I ended up going with the turkey chipotle club on ciabatta.
It was turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and chipotle mayo. The person making my sandwich appeared to not really know what she was doing. It was good though. I struggled a little bit with the bacon and the mayo. I ended up taking a lot of the bacon off, but I still ate some of it. We stayed at my mom’s school until around 5. On the way I had my second snack of some almonds and an apple. We stopped at Harris Teeter to get chicken for dinner and coffee for my mom. I also got cookie dough frozen yogurt to try. I was having a really hard time with that. I spent several minutes browsing all of the ice creams and flavors before finally making a decision. I really wasn’t happy with the difficulty of that situation. I feel like AP calculus in high school wasn’t even that difficult. But driving home from Harris Teeter my mom gave me a really good pep talk to give me a boost. She could tell I had been struggling all day. That made dinner a lot better. Plus I helped prepare everything, even though it was easy to prepare it was still good. We were given corn at school so we had corn on the cob, chicken, sweet potato and salad. I actually put dressing on my salad and a little butter on my corn! Progress. My mom and I split the chicken breast and sweet potato beside both were HUGE.
Every was very tasty. After dinner I had some battles with my technology. I still can’t get my phone to upload pictures onto my laptop. I need that camera my dad and I have been wanting now more than ever!
So guess what I did? At my mom’s school there were extra chewy bars and mini fun size candy bars that were left over from some training thing that happened on Saturday. I BROUGHT THEM HOME. Oh my. What a huge step. I didn’t eat any, but now they are in the house so they are an option. I was brainwashed to believe Chewy bars were bad for you because they don’t really have that much nutritional value. But they pack a nice serving of carbs which would be good as a snack… or even part of a snack if I am to be fearless! Also, I am thinking about letting my mom scoop me out my portion of frozen yogurt for my night snack. While I will be nervous, I think letting go of the control will help me in the long run? We will see. My mom and I talked and maybe if I go to bed tonight with positive thoughts I will wake up tomorrow being ready to tackle the day without fear. If you read my last blog you will see that after my pot pie and the brownie and popcorn I was feeling not so hot. So I gotta put an end to that voice of Eduardo! Tomorrow I have an appointment with Mary so I will likely be going to work with my mom again. Day at mom’s school take two!