I got home around 11:30 tonight from work. It was a long day, but a good one! I wish my sister’s day went a little better. It was her birthday today but I heard she was up at 4 in the morning pulling tarp at her ball field. Then I heard there was a rain delay and problems with the ticketing system. Boooo!!! I wish I could have been with her to celebrate her birthday (I can’t believe she is 22!) and I wish she didn’t have to work such a long day. Her gifts should make it to her in the mail on Monday though, and I hope she likes them!
This morning was filled with animals, and a delicious breakfast sandwich that my mom thought of. First thing I woke up to was this lovely face. Then my mom came in to get me up for breakfast. She suggested an egg, cheese, avocado, tomato sandwich. I was having trouble thinking about what I wanted so I decided to give it a try. It was pretty tasty. I would eat that again, fo sho. I was working on my meal plan for the day, but I was having a really difficult time. I had no idea where to even start planning. After brainstorming for a good 30 minutes I was finally able to piece it together. Then I needed some refreshing barn time to get my mind off things. I spent a nice amount of time grooming Vinnie and feeding him absurd amounts of treats. He was sadly still lame and I have no idea why! I didn’t see or feel anything that would indicate a reason for the lameness, but he was definitely off whenever he had to turn/pivot or walk up or down the small gravel hill to get to the barn. 😦 He still looked happy to be getting pampered. While I was there I was thinking about horses compared to people: they are all the same animal and yet they all look completely different with how they are built. It is just what is natural for them and it’s part of their bloodlines. And all of the horses react differently to food and require a different amount. So they are very similar to humans in that every person is unique in how their body uses energy and how their metabolism functions. And the horses don’t care at all (umm, of course they don’t care… they are horses, Beth) I know, I know, they are horses, but it’s true! They just go about their lives and it’s not like they obsess over the type of grain they are fed or the amount, they just eat. I wish that I could be more like my horse in that way. I took pictures of all the horses to show that they are built differently and some are more muscular, and some a more thin, but that’s just how their body is. Vinnie will never be as muscular as Rey or Mare, but that’s because of his bloodlines. And old Kasino was built with a big old belly! But that might be partly due to age… haha. And G is the tallest one at the barn (just like someone might be the tallest one out of their friend group, you have no control over your height or build) and he is special in that his muscles store sugar in them in a way that isn’t so great. He requires to be exercised constantly to prevent muscle pain form a build up of those chemicals and he requires a certain feed and supplements. (I think that’s his story). ^He was trying to get grass on the other side of the fence!
Does any of that make sense? I know I’m not the best at explaining my thoughts.
When I was leaving the barn, I was backing out of the driveway and I looked in the rearview mirror and saw the face of Cookie staring at me from the back of the Jeep! That cat loves to explore the inside of cars…When I got back home I did a little cleaning and dishes before showering. After I was all freshened up I made my morning snack. I had a bowl of Cheerios with 2% milk and blueberries. And duh, cinnamon. I then did some relaxing before getting packed up to head into Durham for lunch with my mom, my appointment with Mary, and work. I packed a chicken parm lean cuisine and a banana for lunch. For my snack I packed a Greek yogurt and caramel crisps (I ended up only eating the yogurt though) and for dinner I packed an almond butter sandwich, carrots, and green pepper.
Appointment with Mary
My session with Mary, my nutritionist, went so well today! We talked a lot about my fears and what it was I feared about food and portion size. It turn out I am still really scared of the calories that are in the foods I am eating. We discussed my food plan and discussed what could be added to it. She showed me bar graphs of the vitamins and protein content of certain foods. She showed me foods I was comfortable with, such as fruits and veggies, and then she showed me some foods that I sometimes fear, such as dairy products. She showed me that those foods that I thought were bad, really aren’t that bad at all, and in fact they would help me a lot more if I ate them. I told her about a dream that I had last night. In that dream, my mom was telling me that she was reading a blog about another person who had anorexia, and during her recovery she started to eat extremely large portions and she gained a lot of weight and her new problem became overeating and being overweight. I told her that I think that was my way of telling myself that I am fearful of becoming overweight and being out of control with eating. She helped me realize that my fear of that was totally unnecessary. She said that I wasn’t at risk of overeating because I am still under-eating. Also, before I developed this disorder, I was never overweight and I never had a problem with being out of control with food consumption. I would eat when I was hungry, and I ate what I was hungry for. I wasn’t scared to go out with friends to lunch at a fast food place. Now I would have a panic attack if I had to do that. So that is one thing I am going to try and work on. My goals are to add in more portions (increase portion size) and to allow flexibility with my plan. Also, my goals are to eat what I really want to eat and to stop counting calories. I have been uncontrollably adding up calories in my head whenever I am eating something, and all it does is make decisions harder for me and it makes it difficult for me to think about eating.
Ok, so now that I have gone on long enough, the verdict is in! I like the pumpkin brownies. I was looking forward to coming home tonight from work and eating my little creation. You get just the tiniest hint of pumpkin and the texture is so fudgey. It’s almost like a soft, creamy, fudge? I don’t know how to explain it, but it is awesome. With a glass of milk, perfect night time dessert.