Overcoming Fears!

Good morning! Yesterday was so busy I didn’t have time to write up a post. There’s so much I want to write about, so get ready!

Breakfast & My Morning

For breakfast my mom and I tested out the new mini omelet maker. It is a small pan with another pan on top so all you have to do is flip it over. So easy (and it actually turned out perfectly, can you believe that?!). I made it with onions, green pepper, spinach, and red pepper flakes. We toasted up some english muffins so make a sandwich out of it. I topped mine with a little bit of salsa. I’m all about that spice! I had what was left in the bottle of the chocolate protein drink that we had (a little under half). ImageAfter breakfast I quickly did the dishes and then started on a project. I am covering one of the walls in my room with maps. I want to pinpoint all the places I have been and all the places I want to go. I am going to try and finish it later today so a picture of it will be coming soon! I then quickly got ready to leave for an appointment at noon with my nutritionist. When I got to her office, the door was locked. After waiting for a while I gave her a call and it turns out she read her schedule wrong! I’m glad she did though. You’ll understand why if you keep reading! Haha.

Lunch and My Afternoon

We had time to go grab lunch before my doctor’s appointment at 1:30. My mom and I planned on trying a new place we saw on wednesday. It was a place called Hungry Leaf and the make custom salads and wraps. They do have their specialty salads, so I tried the Zen Garden with chicken. It was spinach, peas, mushrooms, marinated beets, strawberries and grilled chicken with a strawberry vinaigrette. ImageI thought the “salads are sexy” card on the table was funny. It definitely sends the wrong message for me though because I know I should be eating foods that are more caloric. It just goes to show how prevalent body image messages are. Messages to eat healthy and lose weight to be “sexy” are everywhere I look. Because I have the personality of always trying to be perfect, I think those messages are geared towards me when they aren’t. I hope that makes sense haha! Anyways, the salad was still delicious. I don’t think I am a fan of beets though… After we finished up our salads we were off to the doctor’s. I don’t want to say the appointment went well, but it certainly didn’t go terribly! I love my doctor, he is so friendly and well aware of everything, which a doctor should be! The reason I don’t want to say it went well was because all of my vitals and my weight are still stable. I was really thinking I would have gained at least a little bit of weight. (I am not told what I weigh and I step on the scale backwards, that way I am not focused on a number. I have also decided that I am not going to look at my weight on the reports that are on my online records!) So I was a little discouraged that my hard work didn’t pay off. Then Dr. Chung explained that because my metabolism has started to pick up, my body has probably been quickly burning through what I was eating. He explained that sometimes another weight loss occurs when the metabolism speeds back up. So in a way my hard work has paid off, but now I just need to work harder to get to my goal! I am so glad that my appointment with Mary got rescheduled for right after my doctor’s appointment. I went in feeling more motivated than ever to make a big change in my habits. The beginning of the session was spent with my parents, and it was good to hear what they had to say. They talked a lot about my control in the kitchen and how they felt they were altering all of the foods they were making into diet foods so that I would feel better about eating it. When it was one on one time with Mary we talked a lot about my goals and fears with eating. One goal of mine is to cook foods with my family that we used to cook all the time and to cook them how we used to. Mary also gave me the goals to add in more foods with my meals and snacks. There is also a big push on sweets! This part is still really scary, but I can do it! Whenever I have to have a sweet (she would like for me to have one once a day at least) I should triple the amount that I would portion out for myself.

The goals about overcoming my fears I think influenced me the most. Mary told me that I am not special because I eat less than everyone else, I am special for my own unique reasons. That is so true! Everyone has things that make them special. I don’t need anorexia to be my label. In fact, I don’t need a label at all! I just need to be my own self. I am a pretty shy person, but once I am comfortable with people I let them see the things that make me who I am. I should focus on those things and letting people see them instead  of thinking that they will only view me as being special because I have an overpowering control over my eating habits. Recently I have noticed that I really fear eating something that I haven’t planned for. I’ll elaborate a little. If it is not a meal or snack time and it not a food I have planned for, I am WAY to scared to allow myself to eat it. Why? Why do I fear that? If I keep living like that I am never going to enjoy anything. I will be half present whenever there is a special occasion such as a holiday or a birthday. I will be too focused on the food that others have prepared that I won’t be able to enjoy the food, or the company for that matter! I don’t want to live like that anymore. Mary told me “when in Rome.” I need to take chances and live in the moment because I don’t want to look back and wish that I had done something different. I should be able to enjoy myself and others. I shouldn’t isolate myself. I have found that in the past week I have turned down unexpected food a few times. At work on tuesday I turned down a delicious looking brownie my friend Hannah brought because that wasn’t part of what I had planned on eating at lunch. Then thursday night at work it was Chick-fil-a night at the ball park. The crowd was very small because of the weather, so a representative for Chick-fil-a came into the store giving out free extra chicken sandwiches. I was the only one to turn it down. I really isolated myself then. I just felt like I wasn’t allowed to eat it, or even take it and save it, because it didn’t fit into the plan my mind created. I realize now that by taking that free sandwich or that brownie, I would have been one step closer to gaining the weight. But because I can’t change the past, I can only become more determined to change my fears so that I can live life in the moment and enjoy the same things that everyone else enjoys. My parents came up with a plan that 3-4 nights a week we were going to cook something that we used to cook and prepare it in a way that isn’t making it a diet food. My mom also showed Mary part of a book she was reading that talked about how one of the authors received a small object from her nutritionist that she could keep close to her to remember everything they talked about during her sessions to help her recover. My mom asked if there was anything Mary had that she could give me. I felt super guilty taking it, but Mary gave me a lovely stone on a necklace! I am thinking that I will make something to give to Mary during our next session that she can either keep or give to another client to help them out.

Snack, Dinner, Work, and Snack Number Two

We had to quickly run home after my session with Mary so that I could grab my things for work. I packed up a snack and my mom quickly made an almond and hazelnut butter sandwich for my dinner. My snack consisted of a kind bar and an apple. Normally I would only have the bar, so I made a small change by adding in an apple. ImageBy the way, this Kind bar flavor = heaven. The sea salt and dark chocolate made it taste like chocolate covered pretzels. Yumm-o! Work went well last night. I felt like I was able to be a little more social than I was thursday night. The crowd wasn’t the usual Friday size because of the weather, but there wasn’t a rain delay so I was pumped! On break I ate my dinner of the sandwich my mom made me and vanilla greek yogurt. I gobbled the majority of it before remembering to take a picture. The picture isn’t amazing so I will spare you all 🙂 Then I did something really crazy. It was so spontaneous! I didn’t even ponder my response, I just forced myself to immediately respond with a big ol’ yes! Houston asked me if I wanted to join him in Hannah on going to Cosmic Cantina after work. For those of you who don’t know Cosmic, it is a little mexican place on Ninth Street in Durham. It’s location is a little sketchy because you walk in a random door on the side of a building and then you have to walk up the stairs to the second level. It’s so artsy and adorable though! A great place to go with friends. I was so proud of myself! I wore the stone Mary gave me to work, so I was thinking about everything we talked about during our session. I did something spontaneous and in the moment! I couldn’t believe it. I am trying to be more spontaneous in all aspects of my life. I am taking bigger chances when it comes to being social. I have been trying not to over think my responses to people, in person or through texting. That is the only way I can show people what I am really like. That helps me to remember I am special for my own reasons 🙂 But back to Cosmic! I order the vegetarian soft taco. It was so good! It had black beans, salsa, and cheese. So super simple but full of amazing authentic flavor. It was a little messy and kind of fell apart when I tried to pick it up. I ended up using a fork and just ate most of the filling with a few bites of the corn tortilla. I would definitely get it again though! ImageThere is no better feeling than overcoming a fear. I truly believe that. I am going to do my best today to work on overcoming my fears involving food. I am just so ready to feel good about myself, inside and out. I know the only way I can do that is to give my body the nourishment it needs, and if that means eating triple the amount I have been eating, then that is what I have to do! I am feeling good this morning 🙂 Well I should probably go get started on making breakfast! I can feel that I am hungry right now, so I am going to go honor my body by eating something delicioso! (I think I spelled that right. ??? haha) I can’t believe it! I am always scared to announce my feeling of hunger. Overcoming another fear!

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